I’ll Know It When I See It

As someone who doesn’t believe in fate and destiny, I’m about to come off sounding like a total hypocrite.

You see, I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I will know the man (or person?) I’m meant to be with when I meet him. The phrasing of that sentence is wrong… I don’t mean ‘meant’, precisely. More like, I will know the person who suits me best when I find him.

There are, of course, several major problems with this idea.

1. I will never find him if I do not ‘put myself out there,’ as people like to say.
2. This assumes that there is someone out there is a really excellent fit for me.
3. This also assumes that I am at all capable of recognizing him.
4. It says nothing about his ability to recognize me, or if I will be good for him, or if our situations will allow us to be together without major drama.

There’s nothing like emergency chocolate

image from xerxy.com

When W gave me a slab of Emergency Chocolate today I knew that he understood. It was his way of letting me know that he knew who I was and that he loved me.

I have to admit — and I’m nothing if not brutally honest about my own faults, even if I’m sometimes unwilling to change them — that I fucked up majorly last night. When I say fucked up, I’m talking Drunk Viking with Rogue Axe.

Yesterday, I took stock of my life. My life is unpleasant, so it wasn’t something I enjoyed doing. And then I thought to myself, shit, I wish I could have a break from my life. A break. I need a break, I need a break.

Wouldn’t you want one? I can’t write anymore, which is how I (foolishly) planned on making a living. I’m not even writing on here. That’s just awful. I had an awesome portrait series planned, but each time I sit down in front of my grandmother’s life I feel unequal to the task. I’m paralyzed and at the same time unworthy to edit her.

Given that nobody in this economy is hiring — though I do get part time work here and there — it’s tough for me to be optimistic. I have to get out of this hellhole I live in, but there aren’t many opportunities. (I should post a list of things I’m “allowed” to and not allowed to do while living here. I’m 23 and that list is disgraceful.)

So when I called W late yesterday after he’d spent an entire day moving into new house in upstate NY, the first words I said to him on the phone were, “I need a break.”