Waiting/ April 2010

by feyruhan
She's Been Waiting

“Kiss me or fuck me, I can’t take it anymore.”

I did neither.

***

I watch my reflection in the windows of the bank as the bus drives away; I see a girl in a blue shirt, dark hair tied up.  We hit the second street corner and an announcement for tickets to this summer’s big event comes on the speaker, as usual.

“You go all the way around the state before you get to the point,” I remember my friend telling me.  She was laughing but, still, it hurt a little.

[Long pause in journaling]

“How do you know I’m ready?”

“Your body’s ready.”

“I’m almost twenty-three, my body better be ready.”

[Pause in journaling]

“You want me inside you.  You want my cock.”

“Don’t tease me like that…”

“Don’t tease you?… You’re so ready, I can’t wait till you can admit you’re ready.”

“How do you know I’m ready?”

“Your body’s ready.”

“I’m almost twenty-three, my body better be ready.”

“Didn’t you say you wanted to lose it before you turn twenty-three?”

“I did, but… I want to wait.”

“You want me to fuck you.  You want to get fucked.”

This is the part where I roll off of him, and we’re done for the night.

***

Give me the benefit of the doubt–give me the benefit–do me the favor of not telling me what I’m thinking, what I want.  If I wanted to be told what I want…  If I wanted to be told what I want I would have let you fuck me, properly, all the way.  I would’ve told you.  I’m more dominant than ninety percent of the guys out there, aren’t I?  Aren’t I?

The truth is I want you, and I want to wait.  I need to wait.  I want it to mean something.  You said that I do mean a lot to you, but… how can fucking be okay when kissing isn’t?  I want to kiss you, I hope you know that; I know you want to kiss me cause you try, every now and again.  I mean I want you, but not just your body.  If wanting your body, your cock, was enough for me–enough to make sex okay–I would’ve done it already.  I would’ve done it before.  I would’ve done it, sooner, with someone else.

These words, I’m trying to hurt you but really what I want is for you to understand… that I want you.  I want more of you, all of you even, maybe.  I’m so ready to fall, it’s scary.

But.  I know.  I know you can’t.  N.  N is still in there, under your skin, in that place where I want to be.  So I’m willing to wait.  I’ll wait.  There’s nothing else I’d rather do.  I’ll wait.

6 Responses to “Waiting/ April 2010”

  1. I hate it when people try to tell me what I’m thinking. And, for the record, your body being ready for sex is sort of a loaded statement and means absolutely nothing when it comes to YOU being ready for sex. You are more than your body, and if it was just a matter of waiting for your body to be ready then that would also mean it should be okay to have sex with anyone 9 and up. And that obviously is not okay and should not be okay.

    I like what you wrote in this entry, and I love the decision you made and the reasoning behind it. It was very mature. I like how well you know yourself and that you do not give in to pressure when the pressure gets deep. This is something every single girl and woman would benefit from. More people need to see this, to read it, to feel it, to understand it, and to employ it in their own lives wherever it is fit and necessary.

    Great job. :)

  2. Oh, man. I loved this. I really loved this.
    I love it when you post.

    “The truth is I want you, and I want to wait. I need to wait. I want it to mean something. You said that I do mean a lot to you, but… how can fucking be okay when kissing isn’t? I want to kiss you, I hope you know that; I know you want to kiss me cause you try, every now and again. I mean I want you, but not just your body. If wanting your body, your cock, was enough for me–enough to make sex okay–I would’ve done it already. I would’ve done it before. I would’ve done it, sooner, with someone else.”

    This — is the absolute truth. This is what I’ve thought about a lot when it comes to others and their experiences. How is fucking more OK than kissing? And why is kissing somehow a weakness or an inferior form of expression?

    • I think it’s for the same reasons as in Pretty Woman. She’s a whore, but she won’t kiss on the mouth. There is something perfunctory about the sex act while kissing is far more intimate–your faces are as close as they can possibly, jammed with all the features we identify as you. Your nose, your eyes, your brain.

      I think people are afraid of kisses. A good kiss means fireworks, and maybe a happily-ever-after. A bad kiss means it’s going nowhere. What if you kiss and the fireworks go off but you aren’t ready for that, yet? What if you’ve spent the last however long dreaming of this moment and it falls flat?

      It’s a lot easier to have sex without meaning. It’s almost impossible to kiss without engaging.

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