Substitutes/ May 2010

by feyruhan
Lenore and Bill on a bed in Palermo

via Flickr

He looks away from the screen, “What?”

“What about me do you want?  You keep saying it, all the time, but, what about me do you want?”  I’m sitting on his bed, a few feet away from him.  It’s evening, or late at night.  We’ve taken a brake to recharge.  We’re not in any hurry to get anywhere.

“That’s a strange question.”  His lips curl a bit at one side, that quirky smile of What’s this now?  Is this game going to be fun? “I’m not even sure I know how to answer that.”  He gets out of his chair and takes a slow step, then another, towards me.  “I want your body, of course.  But that’s not the answer you’re looking for, is it?  I want that sound you make,” he crawls onto the bed, follows as I lower my back to the mattress, “the way you sigh when I kiss you here…  Right there, that sound; that’s what I want.  I want the way you sound when I touch you.  I want your orgasm.”

“I think that’s the one I was hoping to hear,” I lie, as much to myself as to him, because my inability so far to achieve orgasm is easier to face.

“I want to be your first.”

“I want you to be my first,” I whisper, and then, to make sure he’d heard me, “I want you to be my first.”

“But,” he says, climbing off of me, bringing us back to the boundaries I’d set earlier, “not tonight.”


What I want is mutuality.  Love.  Commitment.  I don’t mean marriage, I mean calling you my boyfriend and you calling me your girlfriend.  I mean you wanting to be with me because of me and not because you’re heartbroken and lonely.  I mean that connection, that intimacy, that thing I can’t name that needs to be there, for me, if we are going to have sex.

Tell me that you love me.  Mean it.

But you can’t, because you don’t.

5 Comments to “Substitutes/ May 2010”

  1. I really like your erotic writing, Fey. I look forward to it every time you post. I love reading your deep emotional reactions to these erotic encounters.

    What i love most about this is your extreme focus on the senses. I love how it’s about the sound and the sensation rather than just about the obvious superficial observations.

    Your desire for love, intimacy and commitment means a lot when it comes from a position of such heightened awareness. It makes your desires that much more accessible to me. It makes it so easy to empathise with you.

  2. I love the way that you express yourself in these writings. I think that the way you do it allows the reader to be sucked in and to feel what you are feeling, at least to some extent, and it allows us to understand your final statements on a different level than we might have if you had just written it out in the way you might normally see such a blog post. Its succinct nature is also very helpful with this, because it allows the readers not to get bogged down with a lot of background and unnecessary detail. We see the moment, we feel the moment, and we understand.

  3. Thanks for the great feedback!

    This is minor, but for the prupose of adding context, the guy in this peice is J, who was also in some of my previous posts and, most likely, will show up again both in “future” (not-yet posted but previously-written) entries as well as retrospectives where I look back to that relationship as part of a wider analysis of my habits, patterns, etc.

  4. I agree with the above, I adore these posts. They focus on just the right things, the sensations, the wanting. And we get the bittersweet questions, as well. All of that feels intensely real.

    I did wonder how closely connected these were. It’s a pleasure to watch it unfold, though it seems we’re taking a turn for the worse at the end of this one.

  5. The intensity of the moment is exhilarating. The second I started reading I was hooked. It touched my heart unlike anything that I have read before. And brought me closer to myself.

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