It’s a SAD time of year

by d
A 30 kHz bright light therapy lamp (Innosol Ro...

Artificial light boxes can help. Image via Wikipedia

If there was any doubt about whether or not I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) it’s gone now. I haven’t been feeling at all good the past few weeks. I go on medication for it, but it doesn’t seem to be working this year. It may be because I’m on an anonymous generic (which are NOT 100% identical to brand drugs, they’re morel like mirror images). I’ve called my doctor and a brand-specific Rx is on its way. We’ll see if that helps.

It was bad yesterday. Rain, lots of it. Enough to fuck with my brain. A real flashback to high school, when I first encountered clinical depression. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t concentrate. I just wanted to stare at silly TV or curl up with a bad book, anything but be an active participant in my life. My life seemed far too overwhelming. My life is certainly a bit scattered, pulling me in several directions at once, but it’s nothing a healthy person would be unable to handle. Up until now, I was handling it.

Today, the sun is shining. I was awake, I was happy, able to joke with the friend who gives me a ride to work. Subdued was no longer a word to describe me.

It’s that simple. Sun vs. no sun. Light, energy, motivation. Ironically, I avoid direct sunlight as much as possible, partly because I have fair skin and partly because I just do not like the heat and exposure. I may have to change that. 

It scares me, how easily I can be transformed. For the most part I am healthy, happy, able to act. When the depression creeps in, it puts a damper on all that. It’s like being tired–you can’t really focus on anything, you don’t want to do anything but lie where you are, the idea of getting up is just too much. It’s like PMS–you know you need to do something, but it’s just one more thing, one thing too many, and you want to burst into tears.

I am nowhere near the absolute pits, which is good. I can best describe that as being caught inside a bubble of tinted glass or plastic, a smoky black wall between you and the world. You can see the world, appreciate much about it, but you can no longer connect to it. The good in it can no longer reach you, either. You’re isolated–and this wall has cut you off from the most vibrant part of yourself. It literally bisects your brain. You retain bits of yourself, but not the whole. You become, in effect, a different person.

I don’t want to go back there. It’s a horrible place to live. I don’t believe I’m in immediate danger, but the warning signs are here and I need to take care of them. I am. There’s a prescription on its way, and I’m going to look after myself.

FYI: I don’t believe that drugs are a cure-all for everyone. But for some people, they’re all that works. I’m one of those people.

3 Comments to “It’s a SAD time of year”

  1. This is something I’ve also struggled with in the past, although for different reasons. Prescription drugs are all that works for chasing away my depression, too. I hope that your script works better for you than the generic that you’ve been on and I hope that the coming winter doesn’t push you even further. *HUG*

    • *HUGback* Thank you. I was cleaning up today and compared some old bottles. Turns out I have indeed been taking two different kinds of generics in the past. I wasn’t aware at the time so I can’t tell which was working and which wasn’t. I got the brand pills and I do think they’re helping.

      We’ve pinpointed another possible cause. I’ve had a light box for a long time but the last bulb broke over the summer and I meant to call the insurance company to see if they would cover a replacement. I didn’t get around to it, so I went into fall without a light box. They no longer make that model, so we ordered a new one that should arrive on Tuesday.

      Here’s to my health! 🙂

      • Well, I’m glad that things seem to be worked out! 🙂 And that’s interesting, a light box! oo; I’m glad that helps you! *HUG* I’m glad when you’re healthy. 🙂

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