The Impossible

by d

Something astounded has happened. I am getting defensive of Snooki.

I adore South Park, I think it’s one of the most incisive shows around. Sure, they do disgusting and juvenile things, but they also lampoon all quarters of society mercilessly. They’re equal opportunity offenders.

I was delighted by this past week’s new episode, “It’s a Jersey Thing”, wherein they shredded the wave of “Jersey” reality shows. I appreciate the humor in the final solution, though it’s made plenty of people angry.

I nearly choked on laughter when I saw how they depicted Jersey Shore‘s Snooki:

“What is it!?” yelped Randy.

“It’s a Snooki!” said Butters’ father. “It’s very famous.”

“How is that famous?”


It was a beautiful, hideous thing. Truly, Snooki is a repulsive creature. Their caricature is meant to be absurd–just as she is.

I wanted to see how she reacted (she loved it–they’ve made it now) and then another headline caught my eye.

An acai berry diet website is offering Snooki an endorsement deal. But in so doing, they’re actually insulting her.


Screencap from TMZ's PDF of the original


In other words, you are obese, Snooki, but we totally love you anyway and so we’re going to help you lose all that nasty, nasty fat.

How fucking dare they.

First off, she’s hardly obese. She’s curvy, and her weight has fluctuated since she’s been in the public eye. Even at her roundest, she’s not obese.


This image's file name is "snooki-bikini-not-cute" from


She is 4’9″, absolutely tiny. A healthy BMI for her height is between 86 and 115lbs. She is so small that any gained weight is more visible than it would be on a taller person, who distributes that same weight over a larger area.

I don’t know what her weight is now. I do know that she struggled with eating disorders in high school.

“In high school, I really wouldn’t eat,” Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, 21, reveals in an episode of The Insider to air Tuesday. “I would only have lunch, and I would only have salads.
“It got so crazy that I would only eat a cracker or a cucumber a day and I would feel full,” continues the MTV reality star.
Snooki says she “would go into the nurses office every day and I would weigh myself. When she [the school nurse] realized that I hit 80 pounds, she was like, ‘This isn’t good.'”
The nurse notified her parents.
“My parents told me, ‘You need to eat, this is very dangerous,'” says Snooki, who is 4-foot-9. “So I gained my weight back to like 98, where I always was.” (Us Weekly)

80lbs is a full 1.2BMI points below the “underweight” rating for her height. It’s not as dangerous as a taller person dropping to 80lbs, but it’s still horribly dangerous.

Weight has clearly been a continuously troubling issue for Snooki. She forced herself to lose it in high school, and has since gained too much. She has already publicly tried other diets. That’s probably what made this acai place think it was ok to offer her a deal. They should’ve done their due diligence. Snooki’s battle with eating disorders made headlines in January when another cast member commented on her “rolls,” prompting her to tell him (and a bunch of tabloids) about her past struggles.

You might wonder why I’m not pissed off at South Park. Satire covers a multitude of sins, but it’s actually the extremity of their depiction that makes any ire I might have disappear. They got four things right:

  1. The hair.
  2. The orange skin (exaggerated).
  3. The booze and pickles.
  4. The clothes.
  5. Smoosh-smoosh (apparently that’s what she calls casual hookups).

I’m pissed that this diet place leapt upon satire as an excuse to make money, and call someone obese when she is not. We don’t need more people thinking a size 12 is plus size.

Their crassness becomes criminal when it’s revealed that they are taunting someone who has worked through an eating disorder.

And you know what also pisses me off royally?

I now stand here wanting to defend SNOOKI, citing resources like Us Weekly, The Enquirer, Perez Hilton and TMZ. Thanks a LOT, acai berry assholes. You fucking suck.

2 Comments to “The Impossible”

  1. Oh, D, you’re hilarious! But, you are also so right! That acai berry place had way too much nerve! How dare they do that?! I can’t imagine what they were thinking. But, I’m not willing to give them the benefit of the doubt about the eating disorders. I don’t think it was a lack of doing their homework. I’ll bet they knew, and thought that would make her much more likely to agree if they just tempted her in the right way. Which is even more disgusting.

    I don’t trust the acai berry information out there, anyway. It’s touted almost as if it’s some sort of panacea, and I really don’t believe it’s that awesome for you. I doubt it’s bad for you, but that doesn’t automatically make it a panacea.

    That said, I also don’t trust BMI. I don’t like what I’ve learned about it. But, despite that, a lot of people (including doctors) do still use BMI as a measurement and so I can see the importance of citing it and clarifying what is and is not obese for her.

    I don’t honestly think there’s anything wrong with how Snooki looks. If she wants to get thinner, that’s up to her, if she wants to get healthier (assuming she isn’t now) that’s also up to her. She should not be pushed or coerced into it by television or people looking for a quick buck made off of preying on young people who have suffered from eating disorders in the past.

    Ugh. I could go on and on and on, but I think I’d better step down from my soap box. :p

  2. Diet companies also targeted Jennifer Hudson and Anna Nicole Smith, along with other celebs who won’t conform to hyper-thin beauty ideals. Losing pounds is a business. Cosmetic and diet companies create shame and insecurities in their customers in order to hook them… why should celebrities be any different? The rush for profit overrides any insecurities, social prejudice and eating disorders these campaigns create.

    That said… I have no clue what problem people have with Snooki. So, she’s got a butt, acts in a “reality” TV show, and has questionable taste in clothes and tanning products. But she isn’t slut-shaming, taking away your right to choose, supporting Prop 8, or trying to deport immigrants… let’s turn the threat level down to “I don’t care” yellow.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: