I’m admitting I Have a Problem/ September 2010

by feyruhan
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Addiction is simple.  There’s something you in some way shape or form enjoy.

A drug.  A drink.  Sex.  A person.

You obsess over it.  You get as much of it as you can.  At some point that thing, the need for that thing, starts interfering negatively with your life, and you either say, “I don’t care,” or “I don’t like what this is doing to me.”

And you either quit, or keep going.  And then once you’ve gotten through the first day, the first month, the first year, without that thing, you’re done.  You’re finished.

You’re free.

Is it really that easy?

Is it so easy to quit a person, to quit a drug, to quit gambling or playing online games?  And what about more complicated stuff, like sex and food?  Because even once you know you are addicted to sex or to food, you can’t not have them ever again for the rest of your life.  You would die of starvation.  You would feel lonely because sex isn’t just sex, it’s often a way of making contact.  It’s not just a way to get off.  It’s a way to get in.  It’s a way to say, I love you, I want to make you happy.

What happens when you are addicted to conflict?  Let’s even say a particular kind of conflict.  Post-breakup clarification.  I want it.  You can give it to me.  Why won’t you?

I’m telling one man what the other one should be telling me: It doesn’t matter.  Let go.  Move on.  Whatever it is that you want from or with me, you’re not going to get.  It doesn’t matter why I won’t, why I can’t.  It doesn’t even matter why it doesn’t matter to me.  Because you are not me, and my reasons are not going to make sense to you.  The only thing that matters, is what you take from this.  Do you hold on tightly the next time, after you’re done; do you wait for their explanation, their permission, their dismissal, before letting go and moving on?  Do you look to others for answers, do you wait for permission, do you hold on until they have hurt you past the point of forgiveness; or do you stay in touch with what you can do for yourself?  Stop calling. Stop texting.  Stop emailing.

My dad told me once, when I asked him about his divorce from my mother, that when he realized she didn’t love him anymore, he stopped loving her.  My dad is not a man of many words; he can be, but not when talking about personal matters.

I don’t believe in love at first sight.  I don’t believe love, a connection, an emotion, as strong and complex and unyielding as love is oft made out to be, as I have experienced myself and as I understand it, can develop instantaneously, from nothing more than a glance.  Likewise, I don’t believe it goes away so easily.  It doesn’t even answer to reason.

What I think my dad meant, when he said he stopped loving my mother when he realized she didn’t love him anymore, is not that he actually ceased to have or feel that connection or link or emotion towards her; what I think he meant, was that it didn’t matter anymore that he loved her.  That he decided it didn’t matter anymore whether he loved her or not, because she was not in it anymore.  She was done.  He realized and accepted that he wouldn’t be able to reason her back, might not even be able to get closure from her as to how, why, or when.  And he decided that in order to take care of himself, one thing, maybe the best thing or even the only thing, that he could do, was to let go.  Let go of her, let go of his love for her, and let it fade.  Because he was not going to get her back.

And sure, this is speculation because all he said was that he stopped loving her.  But this is how I can make sense of that.  This is how I can process the fact that my parents aren’t together anymore.  It helps me with my own breakups.  It helps me remember to take care of myself, to not wait, to not beg, to not lose sight of the fact that J didn’t love me.  That he told me I was his closest friend, and then ditched me without so much as a heads-up.  It helps me remember that he was not making me happy, and that whatever he wants with me now, it has nothing to do with what I thought we had.

One thing, the best thing, maybe even the only thing, I can do to take care of myself, is to stop.

Stop responding.  Stop reacting.  Whatever I want from him, he’s not going to give it to me.  Closure? No.  An apology? No.  I don’t need his apology to get better.  I don’t need his explanation, because it won’t make sense to me.

What I can do right now, is let go.  Let go, and eventually move on.

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2 Comments to “I’m admitting I Have a Problem/ September 2010”

  1. I love this post, it’s very well written and I think you get your point across very well. I also agree with you! You don’t need permission or dismissal in order to move on, if you know that is what has to happen. The difference is that you need to face the reality of what is going on, not what you would LIKE to happen. And, it’s true that whatever J’s reasons are, they probably won’t make sense. They do to him, but there will probably never be enough that he could explain to you that would make it make sense. Sometimes, that makes letting go even harder, it gives the person a reason to hang on where there is nothing to hang onto, anymore. “If they will just give me a satisfactory reason…”

    Sometimes, when it comes to closure with a breakup or something like that, you can’t wait for someone else to give you closure, or to mutually come to a place where you can both get closure at the same time. Sometimes, the other person already has their closure, or is making their own and you aren’t part of that. Sometimes, you really do just have to make your OWN closure, regardless.

  2. Too often we get our self worth through the eyes of another person. You need to love yourself enough that you take care of yourself and don’t let someone else determine your self worth. Only you can do that. You know what your strengths are and what your faults are. You know yourself better than anyone else can. Have some self confidence, hold your high, your shoulders back and walk like you know where you are going. Nothing is so attractive as someone who is self confident and radiates that.

    Kudos on a great post.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

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