You know that thing guys do when they see or hear about another guy getting kicked in the balls? They cringe and pull their legs together, eyes downcast as they share a moment of silence for their fellow man’s abused testicles.
Being a woman, I sympathize, but had never quite understood how deep-seated that reaction is. Until this past week. I have found something that inspired me to cringe in just that way.
I have been trying to find a video for you, but I can’t, so I’m just going to have to describe it. Dr. Mehmet Oz was on Joy Behar‘s HLN show, and she brought up the topic his show would be covering that coming week: How the vagina ages.
Your vagina ages along with the rest of you. Apparently, it changes colors. In your youth, it’s a healthy pink. The older you get, the pales it becomes, signifying thinning walls.
‘Everyone should check the color of their vaginal walls,’ said Dr. Oz.
Joy Behar gave him the same look I was. How, pray, are we supposed to manage that? There is a great portion in The Vagina Monologues that describes this arduous process of twisting and arching, and needing a certain kind of mirror–and by the time you get it right you are too exhausted to learn anything or get back up. So, rly. How are we supposed to not only see the outer lips, but the inner walls of our vaginas?
Then they ran a clip. Dr. Oz is big on demonstrations. He set up three solid, brown panels, about 3ft by 6ft, and labelled them “20s” “40s” “50s-60s”. These represented the health of your vagina at those ages.
Then he invited a woman from the audience to take a sledgehammer to them.
The first, the youngest, took a few smacks before she drove the mallet through the wood. It left a very precise, neat round hole.
The clip jumped to the 50s-60s panel. “It’s very delicate,” Oz warned.
“Ok, then, I’ll just tap it,” she said. She tapped it.
It tore in fucking half. Paper. Thin paper.
I cringed. The audience cringed. When I related this to F, she cringed. We all did that muscle-tense, we sucked our breath it, and I will guarantee a lot of Kegels got a work out.
I think we were all imagining a) what it would feel like to have a sledgehammer rammed through our walls, and, b) what would happen if a proportionately sized penis had rammed into that wall.
Fellas, I get it now. And I am always grateful that all my important bits are tucked away on the inside, where they can’t be pulverized by a stray baseball. (A baseball to the boob HURTS, but nothing like a baseball in the crotch.)
Sucks to be you guys! My sympathies.