Trapped in the Memories

by V
trapped and always looking behind

via Flickr

Hearing old country music makes me sad. I remember listening to it all with my grandpa. I miss him so much. I wish he were still alive. I’d live all the bad times in my life over again just to experience the times we were able to be around each other, to know each other, to do things together again. I’d live all the bad times in my life many more times over, and just those times, if it could bring him back. Of course, nothing can do that.

I feel lost and incomplete, alone now that he’s gone. I dream about him, I am reminded of him by almost every older man with a beard remotely like his. There is not a moment, waking or sleeping, when I am not thinking of him in some way. Everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, and even when I sleep. I compare all men to him, I compare myself to him.

Of course, don’t misunderstand. I know this might sound like an, “I wish I could die and be with him,” sort of post. It isn’t. I don’t want to die. I just want him back with me. My grandfather was my world. That’s what I lost when he died. My world. I have no one to share things with now.

I have always found it hard to be vulnerable. I always feel as if I need to be strong. Even when I’m alone. Weakness isn’t okay. Weakness is pathetic. I am not weak. I have never been accused of being weak. I do not want to start now. But, for the first time in my life, I feel that I need someone else. REALLY need someone else. Someone who isn’t just a friend. Someone who isn’t a family member. Someone more, because only with someone more can I allow myself to be vulnerable, to be weak, to say things I wouldn’t say to anyone else. It always used to be a “nice” thought to have someone like that. Now, it is not a “nice” thought. It is a necessity.

But, there is no one.  I am alone. And, though I’m young and it might seem dramatic to say it, it will likely stay that way. It is not easy for me to let people in. When I do, it’s almost instinctual that I push them away when they get too comfortable there. And I don’t just push. I shove, I body slam a person with all of my weight behind it the hell away from me. I can’t seem to stop myself.

Therapy. That is someone’s almost immediate recommendation if they would hear this, read this. You need therapy, V. Someone you can talk to who has no real connection to you. But, that isn’t so. I’ve tried that. I can’t open up to a therapist. I need someone who does have a connection to me. But, a connection different than a friend or a family member. Therapy isn’t a remedy, at least it hasn’t proven to be in all the years I’ve seen therapists, for my instinct  push people away so suddenly, so violently. I cannot open up to a therapist. No, it seems like what I need to get over that is what I cannot let close to me. Isn’t that a trip? Isn’t that ironic?

8 Comments to “Trapped in the Memories”

  1. You don’t need therapy.
    You are not /weak/.
    And it is not dramatic to say that you’re alone, when that is exactly how you feel.

    You need that good friend you’ve been talking about. The more-than-a-friend.

    When I think about my life, I think about how fortunate I’ve been that — no matter how lousy and awful things have gotten — I have those essential pillars of support.

    They are important. I crave them, too, and I craved them through many friendless years even though I never had anyone as awesome as your grandfather around. And now that I have them in my life I can say that that there is no substitute for people like that.

  2. I remember thinking over the years how wonderful it was that, no matter what else was going on in your life, you had your grandfather to walk it with you. He sounds like an amazing man to have in your life. He had a large hand in raising you, and he has given you tools to cope–including the memory of him, and of him loving you.

    You’re definitely not in a place where you need therapy because you have no other outlets–you DO have outlets, like this, and friends. (Do we count? :)) You could try a form of behavioral therapy with a goal of teaching you more tools, more techniques, ways to recognize and deal with that rising urge to shove everything away. It could be that your past therapists didn’t realize this, but it’s also possible that they did and you were unable to make enough of a connection with them to trust them, which is vital to this process. You have to trust the person who’s trying to guide you.

    It is cruelly ironic. You need a friend to lead you to happier, healthier friendships. Since it’s so hard to reach beyond yourself, why not look inward? Be your own friend, V. Forgive yourself, love yourself, accept yourself. Then read, do research, do as much learning and self-analysis as you can. Talk about it to ‘safe’ people, like us–we have the insulating barriers of distance and technology. We cannot hurt you in the way a flesh and blood person can.

    I know what it feels like to ache for someone you can’t have–someone you can’t even be sure exists, out in the wide world. I’m lucky that those moments are infrequent and brief. I have a strong family unit and wonderful friends, but that yearning creeps in every so often.

    Be your own friend first. Stop pushing yourself away. It’s hard, and it’s lonely, but you ARE strong. And you DO have friends who will shore you up. But you have to be a friend to yourself in order to trust in friendship with others. If you are always doubting or denigrating yourself, how can you ever really believe that someone else won’t? Do this so you can be ready to accept and love the next person you click with, the next person to extend the hand of deep friendship. When they do, you don’t have to flinch. One day, you won’t.

    • Thanks, D. 🙂 This was very good advice and I will certainly begin incorporating it. I really hadn’t thought of some of the things you mentioned. And you are right, if I can’t even be my own friend and give myself the things that I need, how can I expect anyone else to be able to? That likely is the first step I need to take.

      And of course you guys count! 🙂 *HUG* I’m very grateful that you’re around. Thank you!

  3. I am an old guy with a beard who could substute as a substiute grandpa. I would suggest coaching rather than therapy. Therapy is done for one hour once a week. This is bullshit. Psychology is the only medium where they force this pradigm down your throat. The medical model of disease treatment is to fix it right now and in a short period. This is why I do four hour sessions instead of one hour sessions.

    If you will try me, I will offer you my standard gaurantee or your money back. No one does that in the counseling industry. I even offer a free half hour consultation. For the record, I am very good with women and women have told me their deepest darkest secrets that they have never told anyone.

    If you really want relieft, give me a call or send me an email and we can set it up on private emails.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • Actually, your beard is a lot like my grandfather’s, that was the first thing I noticed about your profile picture. Thank you for the kind offer, and I will certainly consider it. I am unsure that at the moment I could afford it, though. But, I will definitely keep it in mind and think on it. Again, thank you so very much for your kind offer, Mr. Wilder. 🙂

  4. I also have a sliding scale fee based upon a person’s ability to pay. I don’t want you to do without the help because you can’t afford it. If you were willing to write a review about my help, I would even consider doing it pro bono (free).

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  5. My address is if you change your mind. You can email me your phone number and we can set up some time to help. My preferred method is on Yahoo IM where we are both on camera. It is like being in the same room or at least me on camera.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

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