Touching Base/ September ’10

by feyruhan
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I’ve been thinking, maybe I don’t want a relationship.

Not right now, anyway.  I’m happy.  I’m happy with what I’ve got, which is a lot: school, intrinsically rewarding volunteering in my field of choice, paid employment that doesn’t involve morally or socially reprehensible activities (such as drug trafficking, prostitution, or one of those phone-fundraisers who call you at home when you’re broke to badger you for money that will go mostly towards maintaining the operation rather than supporting the cause) or insultingly mind-numbing (like working at a grocery store).  I’ve got a really great friend, S, who enjoys watching my favorite shows with me and not only allows me to narrate or interject on the action or sequence of events, but gladly partakes in the discussion while we pause the show. We can talk about anything, whether trivial or deep, including everything I post here and the few things I haven’t got the balls to post here.

To top it off, we have great sex.  He’s really generous and open, and makes sure I get off at least once every time we fool around.  Although, statistically, I think I average at three.  Big ones, that is.  I don’t count the little ones.

So, my point is, I’m happy.  I’m a student, I’m an employee, I’m a friend, I’m a lover.  I’m driven and stimulated and happy.

And, surprisingly enough, not lonely.  I mean, I recently was in love for the first time.  He turned out to be the jerk that I might have guessed him to be had I wanted to see it.  I loved him, and he didn’t love me.  In fact he treated me like leftovers.  I’m thinking I should want to replace that right away, but I suppose I’ve already gone through that step.  That was when I rejoined a dating site, looking for a girlfriend.  But now that I’ve had time to get happy, get re-stabalized, I realize that I’m not lonely anymore, and I didn’t want a girlfriend.  I wanted a replacement.  And that wouldn’t have been fair to anyone.

But I’m rambling.

I’m happy.  I’m not lonely, and I don’t want a relationship just now.  I don’t want a girlfriend.  And after all, I’m in my early twenties.  I’ve got all the time in the world.

4 Comments to “Touching Base/ September ’10”

  1. Marvellous – what more could you want. Being content is greatest reward of them all.

  2. It’s good that you are aware that getting involved with someone for a rebound isn’t really fair to that other person and you choose not to do it. It’s even better that you find that at the moment you are content. Contentment is a good feeling, as long as we are sure that we aren’t just convincing ourselves that we’re content when we are not, to avoid more unsettling emotions or realities. People have an odd knack for doing that, it seems, and such a thing transcends gender lines. :p

  3. It makes me so happy to see that you are, if not glowingly happy, content. And there’s a lot to be said for feeling content. It sounds like you’re feeling comfortable enough to stretch a bit, grow, become even more comfortable with yourself.

    🙂

  4. You are wise wiser then most I’ve met. You know yourself and know your heart. Never lose track of that it is the most important thing.

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