Secret Life: Teenagers Are Thick

by d

from ABC Family

Subterfuge continues to ogle the indulgent wreck that is Secret Life of the American Teenager.

I missed writing up the last episode or two. First because it actually didn’t upset me, and then because I was so relieved, I stopped caring. Heh. Funny how that works.

Honestly, I now get a feeling of dread every time I see the show pop up on my TiVo list. Oh god, I think, What vile lunacy are they going to inflict on me now? This is in sharp contrast from Season One, when the show was a guilty pleasure I made time to watch. I enjoyed the fantasy train wreck, though I can’t really pinpoint why. A good deal of it had to do with the lineup of characters. But then everyone started getting tangled up with EVERYONE else, and now it’s a genuine soap opera, with complete assholery going unpunished. (I’m look at you, Reuben.)

I also need to write something about the other ABC Family shows airing now. But before I get to that, here’s this one.

What I Didn’t Write About Last Time

I’m still kind of reeling from Grace’s mom calling oral sex “gateway sex.” “It’s sex that leads to other sex!” Hilarity. She’s right, but it’s a hilarious way to put it. I’m even more amused by how freaked out she looked.

Plus, Ben gave Adrian a sort of promise ring, supposedly a real gem stone the size of someone’s eye. You can be sure that this jewel will be pawned off at some point in the future to fund something important. Misunderstandings and betrayal will ensue.

Jack proves he should not be dating anyone, and that being a priest’s son doesn’t mean you’re not a dick.

Jockboy Jack is talking with another guy about his ex-girlfriend, Grace. They had sex once before breaking up, and now they’re both dating other people. This bothers Jacks.

Jack: It’s not that I still care about Grace.I just don’t want her to get hurt.

Jesse: You just don’t want to see her have sex with another guy.

Jack: Yeah. That too. It’s just that I wish she’d wait.

Jesse: Until you see if things are gonna work out with Madison?

Jack: Yeah. Because I’m the only guy Grace has ever been with. And, I’d like it to just stay that way.

Thanks, Jack. You’re a swell guy, you know that? Grace should totally abstain from sex until you’re certain your current girl is or isn’t going to work out. The girl should always wait around for the guy to make up his mind.

"Hahahahahaha, dude, you're gonna die alone." // from ABC Family

And, yes, Jack is a priest’s son. He behaves like a Boy Scout in every way except his quest for sex. I would like to hit him.

Teenagers Should Not Talk About The Future Of Their Current Relationships, Ever.

Henry and Alice are all, “I love you! You’re The One. That’s it, FOREVER.” Which is, like, totally sweet and romantic, but they’re high school sophomores. Yeah, they’ve known each other since they were little kids. It’s still ridiculous.

Adrian and Ben toss around the idea of engagement and marriage when they should be talking about how they’re going to raise this baby. They’re hanging out and starting to like each other as friends (or more?) but they’re not sharing their values or talking about parenting methods. Then again, both their fathers are meddlers, so maybe they want to pretend parenting happens apart from daily life. HAH.

Oh, and Amy and Ricky are talking about dating and sex and even possibly getting married one day in the distant future. He’s still freaking out about the commitment aspect–I think he doubts his ability to stay off random-sex-crack.

Casting Agent Pro Tip: Always Make the Bad Boy Sexy

I would like to use this space to say that the guy who plays Ricky is really, really hot. He’s NOT 18, so don’t get skeeved out. And every time he and Amy start to get closer, he gets this wonderfully intense look, intent on her, and I just swoon. Look for a Gratuitous Man Pics post in the not-too-distant future…

2 Comments to “Secret Life: Teenagers Are Thick”

  1. Man, this show just keeps getting worse and worse doesn’t it? 😛 And I would have fallen over laughing if I’d heard the “gateway sex” comment, I dunno how you managed to stay upright!

    I think it’s all just a ridiculous way to tell the audience; “see if you get pregnant or make someone pregnant, you have RUINED YOUR LIFE and will make stupid decisions FOREVER. So don’t get pregnant, girls!” That’s the entire point of the show. I have decided this now. :p

    And yes…I am looking forward to that Gratuitous Man Pics post.

  2. I DID just about fall over! It still makes me giggle. And then they ran it in the ‘Previously On’ update!

    Gratuitous Man Pic post is LIVE!

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