I’ll Know It When I See It

by d

Courting DestinyAs someone who doesn’t believe in fate and destiny, I’m about to come off sounding like a total hypocrite.

You see, I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I will know the man (or person?) I’m meant to be with when I meet him. The phrasing of that sentence is wrong… I don’t mean ‘meant’, precisely. More like, I will know the person who suits me best when I find him.

There are, of course, several major problems with this idea.

  1. I will never find him if I do not ‘put myself out there,’ as people like to say.
  2. This assumes that there is someone out there is a really excellent fit for me.
  3. This also assumes that I am at all capable of recognizing him.
  4. It says nothing about his ability to recognize me, or if I will be good for him, or if our situations will allow us to be together without major drama.

Lets start with #1. I am bad at this. Really, really bad. I am so confident in this notion that Someday My Prince Will Come that I don’t do much to expose myself to new people. Actually, I abhor people, and bars, and forced socializing, and groups, and all sorts of other ways to meet people. I do enjoy grocery shopping, which is supposedly a dating hot spot, but I rarely do it  for the household.

When I do meet a guy I’m interested in, I almost never act on it. I prefer to sit on the sidelines, watching him, trying to read him, looking for signs. First, I look for signs that he’s at all desirable in any real way. Then I look for reasons he’s not The One. Depending on how these balance out, I either forget about him, or carry a mildly smoldering torch for the duration of our shared time. The crush usually peters out, after weeks or months (or years) or being fed scraps. My crushes are very, very low heat.

And I’m ok with that. Because I always have my on on the long-view.

One of the reasons I broke up with my first boyfriend was because I couldn’t imagine it lasting. I couldn’t see a future together. So what was the point? As long as you’re dating, there’s the assumption that it could turn into something really lasting, but if I’m already certain it’s not going there, I’m leading him on. I cut both our losses.

Let it not be said that I don’t give people second chances. Dating said ex was something I hadn’t anticipated. I’d thought he was cute, initially, but dismissed him as too bashful. We went to a party months later and it turned into tickling, then kissing. I ended it for reasons I was aware of ahead of time. But I gave it a shot.

The one guy, to date, that I’ve met online and in the flesh was even more of a ‘Give this a shot’ choice. His photos didn’t do much for me, but his mind did. Our emails were wonderful. But the moment I saw him standing outside the restaurant, I knew it wasn’t going to work. I saw the date through, treating him as a friend I was getting to know. I know I ultimately hurt him when the date was over and I explained that I wasn’t interested in a repeat.

I’m a pretty good judge of character, and I know myself. I know which people I want in my life. I absolutely hate what I’ve done to these two guys, who were both way more into me than I was into them. I pushed down my initial misgivings and gave them both a good shot, but ultimately, I knew it wasn’t working. And telling them that hurt them.

But, if I don’t take that risk, maybe I’ll never find Mr. Right. He could be hiding under a very good facade. He might not look how I expect him to. He might not even speak my language. So, I have to be proactive about finding him.

If I really believed in destiny, or fate, or God’s Divine Plan, or whathaveyou, I would say that it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do. The man I’m ‘meant’ to be with will enter my life when he’s supposed to.

But I don’t buy that.

Which means I have to keep an eye out and keep giving people second chances and keep hating it when it doesn’t work out.

Mystery Man, if you really are out there, please show up soon. I don’t want to leave a trail of broken boys in my wake.

3 Comments to “I’ll Know It When I See It”

  1. YOu cou;ld start bu ,making a list of the have to have things that are not an option. You then could make a list of things that you would really like to have. And finally you could make a list of the absolute perfect things to hope for. YOu can’t regognize the guy without setting a standard for yourself and said guy.

    You could put this list on a profile on the internet dating sites and discourage the guys that you don’t want.

    YOu are right, you need to become proactive in your search.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • I have tried making such lists, both for myself and for the dating sites. Alanis Morrissette has a song called “21 Things I Want In a Lover,” with a line I love: “I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter.”

      But what’s a girl to do when she makes herself clear and still gets buried in men who don’t fit the bill at all? :-/ Sure, it helps one weed out the chaff, but it’s very frustrating.

  2. I believe we make our own destinies, so while I do believe in an abstract sort of “destiny” I do not believe in the “traditional” idea of the concept. :p

    But, I think you’re right. When dating is involved, people’s hearts sometimes get broken. It’s unfortunate and it’s not something anyone should feel good about doing to someone. But, ultimately, it was for the best. I agree with your outlook on this and in dating in general. Mr. Right will show up, but how will you know if you rely on first impressions? Your first impression, as you mentioned, might be that he’s Mr. Wrong, but had you given him a chance you might’ve found out otherwise.

    True, in your quest for Mr. Right you’ve hurt two guys. But, I would hope that it could be taken on both sides as a learning experience. Many of these life lessons and learning experiences occur in such ways.

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