“I feel as if I am standing on a giant precipice, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up…”

by dahliarosemonroe

The week before last my boyfriend SB and I had a blowing out where he lied to me to get the combo to my room. He took all of his stuff out without telling me. This led to me being incredibly pissed off and heartbroken. I actually took a personal day from work to go spend it at my Mom’s so I could escape for a little while because I was so hurt.

We decided that living together in that small room was too much for us, and his financial issues were not at the right level for him to contribute fairly and still be happy. Plus, we acknowledged that us living together after barely a week of dating was not the best idea. After that cathartic talk with him, I felt like the slate was wiped clean, and we could get back to the awesome relationship we have had in the past.

Not so, it seems. In fact, I feel more upset. I thought living apart for a while and saving for own apartment would bring back the romance we had initially. I hoped we would go out on more “dates” and that he would value me. It turned out to be the exact opposite – or at least that’s how I feel.

Yes, he will come over and call now and then, be he comes over just to get a vacation from his parents/family. He knows I will take extremely good care of him. (Either that or he just wants to get laid.) He comes over and says that he missed me and he’ll hug me and hold my hands and all of that, I will give him that. Honestly, I feel like I am just an insignificant sidenote on his life as of right now. And that bothers me so much that I want to cry and I just feel heartbroken. I’ve always tried to put 100% into our relationship, but I feel like I get less and less.

And last night, it became glaringly apparent.

I found out yesterday I have a kidney infection, and that is why I have been so sick for the past week. SB called me when he got out of work at 8 AM and we talked for about 5 minutes before I went underground on the train. Then he called me randomly at around 12:30 PM when I was waiting in the pharmacy for my prescription after finding out I had said infection (which can actually be quite serious). We don’t even talk for 10 minutes. He sounds wicked tired, so I tell him to sleep after he had a tough morning and he will feel better. He said he would call me later.

I get home, and started reading more of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I read this book in hopes that my understanding how men communicate and operate will improve my communication with Steve, and that we can have a better relationship through better communication. I was actually feeling great after learning in one chapter that men, after they have gone through the part of the cycle where they crave closeness and intimacy, they pull away in a need to feel more independence and autonomy in order not to lose themselves. But they will come back with a renewed need for intimacy, and that it is just a part of the male cycle.

I felt better, thinking that if I just let SB have some time to be more independent and autonomous, he will come back with a renewed sense and desire for intimacy. I felt like getting all panicky and clingy like I was when he was pulling away and spending more time doing things on his own was just making him pull away even more and eventually it might push him away permanently. It was hard to come to terms with, because I still have a part of me that feels he just wants nothing to do with me anymore and he has bailed on the relationship, but I felt like it was the only way to see if he really loved me.

I can’t make anyone love me. I can’t make anyone miss me. I can’t make anyone want to be with me. I want SB to be with me. I want SB to love me. I want SB to miss me and crave intimacy with me. But I can’t force it. Plus, it means more if someone is with you and loves you of their own free will.

I was upbeat. SB still had not called me but I was okay with it. I was doing my own thing. I was making plans to get go-fasters (running shoes for us Marine Corps folk) and other PT gear, and intended on getting a trial run gym membership with part of my paycheck this week. Although my foot is still not 100%, I can work around that. I was planning on volunteering somewhere and working more on my music. I was feeling incredibly motivated.

Then it’s 10:45 PM.

SB calls me while he is brushing his teeth in the bathroom and tells me he just woke up. He also said he just looked for me on Facebook and saw I wasn’t on. He knows I don’t have a laptop at home right now, but I do have a Facebook app on my iPod. It requires me to actually be in the app for me to appear as online in the chat, however. So I said I would go online and see if it worked, and he said he would call me back. This whole conversation lasted less than 90 seconds.

He jumps online. Our conversation is short, to say the least. And from that short conversation, it gave me the immense feeling that I’m not that important to him. Maybe I am not important to him at all, really. Here is the transcript, copied and pasted:

Yesterday
10:20pm Him
hey babe

10:20pm Me
Hey you

10:20pm Him
i jsut got on

10:20pm Me
I see that lol

10:21pm Him
i cant get enough resident evil now lol

10:22pm Me
I guess I have to be actually on my FB app for it to show me as online lol

10:22pm Him
awww

10:22pm Me
I guess not if you just want to talk on here lol

10:23pm Him
yea cuz i cant hold the phone and have the headset on at the same time
:(:(

10:23pm Me
Oh

10:45pm Me
Are you still on?

10:49pm Me
I guess not

Essentially, what this said to me was, “When I have to choose between video games and you, I will choose video games. They are more important to me. You’re not that important.”

That is terribly upsetting to learn that the person you love and chose to be with doesn’t see you as an important part of his life. Video games take precedence to him. I got to thinking and I can actually recall at least a few other times where he has sent this same message; I remember within the past week, SB and I were on the phone not even 5 minutes before he went, “Hey babe can I call you back? A new game of Call of Duty is about to start.” Mind you, he spends most of his free time playing video games. You would think he would at least take a few minutes to put down the controller to talk to me for a bit when he has been playing for the past 8 hours straight.

I got so upset I just started chain smoking like an old Vegas hooker. I talked to a few of my friends that were around and have always been there for me (which I am beyond thankful for and at least make me feel like I matter to someone), and I held back from crying so hard that I started shaking all over. Eventually I calmed down enough to attempt to go to sleep. About 10 minutes after my head hits the pillow, he finally calls me. This was at 1 AM. He starts going into how mad he is because his sister broke his laptop’s screen and he can’t play or go online unless it is on the incredibly slow desktop. Again, that made me feel completely unimportant because I feel that if his laptop screen had not broken, he would never had called me. I was upset and rather exhausted, and he at least noticed a bit. He asks, “Are you all right, babe? You sound sad.”

I was just on the verge of telling him, going, “Well, yeah, I am…” when he gets distracted by something and he doesn’t go back to what I was saying.

I just decided to drop it. This again makes me feel like I am completely unimportant to him. He notices I am upset, asks if I am okay, and when I start to explain why, I get cut off and he doesn’t get back to the topic. Then he says he is going to come over to my place tomorrow after I am out of work and that he will meet me at my place. I kind of have a bad feeling, like his acting like this and then wanting to get together right when I get out of work is a sign he just wants to break things off. I don’t know. Honestly, I hope not. I want to talk to him about this and try and work things out.

But a part of me is afraid to even say anything because I feel like I am just being a whiny, clingy bitch. And the last few times I have brought up that I was less than pleased with how our relationship was going, he got incredibly defensive and wouldn’t really listen to me, although I made sure I was airing my grievances in a non-accusatory manner.

Then there is the part of me that wonders if he will even come over at all. He said he was going to call me in the morning at the end of this conversation, and he hasn’t called me yet, and it is now 11:30 AM. He said his phone was about to die, that he’d call me in the morning, and then the phone died. No call back from his mom’s or sister’s cell phones to say good night or I love you or anything. Awesome.

I just feel so unloved, uncared for, and unimportant to the man I love, care for, and is important to me. I honestly don’t know what to do, what to say, or where to go. My heart is broken. I just feel violated.

5 Comments to ““I feel as if I am standing on a giant precipice, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up…””

  1. Will you be willing to listen to a guy who is old enough to be your dad? You made a mistake by letting the guy move in after a week. Relationships take time. Too many women give sex hopkiing that the guy will want to keep you. Don’t give him sex unless and until you are in a committed relationship. This takes time. Had you dated, you would have discovered that he is very immature and really only interested in sex on call. He has already told you that video games are more important to him than you are. This meanst that is is stunted emotionally and has a long way to grow up. He is nothing more than a teenager in a man’s body.

    I know lonliness is everything that it is cracked up to be, but if you contnue in this fashion, you are destined to more break ups with guys who are not worth the drama. You need to value yourself more and not just give it away to a guy who fakes interest in you. Sex is special and should only be given to a guy worthy of it. You need to know him well enough to make this determination.

    This policy will scare off the players, but you don’t want them anyway. Guys need to respect you and you need to demand respect before you give up the nooky.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  2. I actually agree with the gist of what Mr. Wilder has said. Moving in after a week of dating seems like it wasn’t a good idea. He is far less mature than he originally seemed. And he is now beyond distant emotionally. I think that the way he is acting should certainly tell you something now. This is more than just what /Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus/ is talking about. While it hurts, I think that you should take this behavior as a major hint. It’s time to move on, as you both have vastly different needs and wants in a relationship at the moment. He isn’t ready for something as serious as you need and want. He’s not finished being a kid, yet, as ridiculous as that is considering his probable age. Moving on may be the best thing for both of you.

    However, I would definitely recommend sitting down and talking seriously with him again about this. If he gets defensive and refuses to discuss this with you like a rational adult human being, then perhaps that’s the biggest hint of all and you should just go ahead and break it off. He is unwilling to compromise even long enough to hear you out with an open mind.

    Although, personally, I think the way that he moved out really says all that you need to know. He just is not ready for a serious relationship at this stage in his life. He couldn’t even talk to you about feeling that he needed to move out because living together wasn’t working out. Instead, he was dishonest with you to trick you so that he could sneak out with the stealth of a thief, not bothering to even mention it AFTER he’d done it. He just let you come home and find his things completely gone, letting that speak for itself. It was incredibly rude, incredibly inconsiderate, incredibly insensitive, and it was an incredible breach of trust.

    • I read the OP at work, and only got around to responding now–I forgot the way he snuck out! As V says, this indicates lack of maturity, and disregard for your feelings.

      In a way, he’s already called it off. He may just be waiting for you to catch up.

      I wish this weren’t the most likely scenario.

  3. Dahlia, I’m so sorry. When it rains, it pours. The lost in-between feeling where you question your own sanity is the worst. Stay strong, this too shall pass.

    I actually agree with Dr. Wilder on several points. I don’t think sex has to be withheld the way he describes. I do agree that sex should be reserved for someone you feel a strong connection with (or no connection, and it’s just mutual light fun).

    I’m alarmed that you moved in together after only a week. I think this is a major reason for your current distress. It sounds like you fell in love hard and fast, and you leapt into the future, together, sure that love would sustain. But love and lust aren’t as enduring as friendship. As Wilder says, if you’d taken more time to get to know each other first, to learn to trust each other, you would be approaching these difficulties in a very different way. There’s nothing you can do to change the past, but I strongly suggest keeping this lesson in mind. A little caution can help a great deal.

    As for what’s happening right now… it sucks. It absolutely sucks. He shouldn’t be retreating the way he is, letting you dangle in limbo. He should either be up front, and say that he wants to break it off, or he should make it clear that he is committed and work with you to negotiate a way forward. Maybe it’s his style to withdraw for a week or so while he processes things. Maybe he just avoids confrontation no matter what. Maybe he somehow thinks this is kinder. Maybe he needs to be introduced to the concept of a ‘gamer widow.’ (http://gamerwidow.com/)

    He could be oblivious, or malicious, or a coward. None appeal.

    I understand your wanting to give him space. I don’t know how useful Mars/Venus really is. I remember Bridget Jones going on about rubber bands, and it never struck me as something revelatory. I think it’s a good idea to give SB some space, but not too much. After a few days, you have to bring the elephant back into the room. Maybe not to solve it then and there, but to acknowledge it, and figure out when you will both be ready to deal with it. You don’t want this new pattern to stretch out endlessly.

    He may turn out to be the man you spend your life with, or he’ll be a jerk who broke your heart. Either way, you have friends here.

    • Great points, D. You’re so good at giving advice and a lot of what you tend to say ends up being a lot more clear than whatever it is I end up typing. :p

      And, D is definitely right. No matter what happens, Dahlia, you have friends here. 🙂

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