Let me let go of this feeling / August ’10

by feyruhan

via Flickr


Reading about werewolves–Pack, mutt, Change–I slowly start to feel about S.  He’s my Pack.  We cuddle, we’re frank with each other, about all the important things.  We’re safe.  We have a safeword.  S is safe: he’s comfy and I’m not attracted to him and he knows I’m beautiful.

Then I start feeling about J.  Sadness.  Mourning.  Not once, not even once since that Sunday did he try calling me.  He doesn’t care.  I don’t matter to him. Did I ever?  It’s like we never were.

Tell me something.  Tell me something about what I meant to you.  Did I–mean anything to you?

Did you just want to be my first so you could be my first?  Didn’t you at all want it because you wanted to give me a good time?  A good first time?  You couldn’t even be bothered to be on top.  Not once.  Not once during that lousy, lovely shower–our last shower–did you even humour me by considering getting on top.  You just wanted to lay there and take me.  Let me give myself to you, like some grateful idiot.

I’m losing focus.

Did he at least want to love me?  What was I to you?

I was the one who got you over the hump.  Over your girlfriend.  Ex-girlfriend.  I was just the one who got you over your back-stabbing ex-girlfriend.  I was nothing more than rebound.  Rebound is all about sex.  I knew it then, just like I know it now, only now I know it better.  But I thought we were more than sex.  We talked.  About important things.  I was there for you.  You were there for me.  You cradled me while I threw up into a bucket, sick from medication.  I stayed with you until you agreed to check yourself in for your ongoing bout with depression.  I thought we were…

*Sigh* No.  You were done with me.  You let me go.  There’s nothing more.

2 Comments to “Let me let go of this feeling / August ’10”

  1. Everyone can relate to this. Unfortunately. I don’t know why some people are able to toss others aside like day-old bread or tattered shoes, but some people can. It sucks and it isn’t fair, and everyone goes through it at least once (usually more). I like how this was written. It evokes a lot of powerful emotion. I’m sorry that this happened to you, especially with your first.

  2. A broken heart is hard to heal. Even harder to show its beauty.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: