Bridezilla Alert. Warning: Don’t Make Sudden Movements.

by f

from set2music.wordpress.com

I’m in a Starbucks right now, enjoying a (surprisingly) good roasted vegetable panini. Sitting at the table across from me, is a bridezilla. Her husband-to-be, a wedding planner, and the mother of the bride surround her on each side of the square table, their bodies partially obstructed by thick binders. These binders are full of wedding dresses, table arrangements, and pictures of potential wedding locations.

“What do you think of that one?” Bridezilla asks. Her voice is flat and nasal. She reminds me of the obnoxious girls from my high school class.

Hubby to be isn’t paying attention. Instead, he pays attention to his Blackberry. He wonders when, for the love of God, is this woman was going to shut up, already. My heart goes out to the poor man.

She nudges him sharply.

“I said,” she says, “pay attention.”

“Oh,” he mumbles.

The planner turns the pages from across the table and the bridezilla is caught in paroxysms of pleasure. I’m surprised she’s not having an orgasm at the table.

“Do you think we can get these?”

Rudely, I crane my neck to see what “these” are. I’m expecting it to be something beautiful, in spite of myself. I want this petite woman’s happiness to be something I can empathize with.

No, it’s not. Instead, she’s looking at a pile of fucking napkin rings.

“Honey?” asks Bridezilla. Her voice is crystal. Pure. No hint of her deep, inner aggravation.

“Yes?”

“Can you –” she holds her throat. “Can you please look? I mean, it’s just one day.”

Your day,” says Hubby-to-be. “I’m just the spectator.”

(Everyone at the table laughs uncomfortably.)

Bridezilla looks like she’s about to have a total meltdown. The woman that birthed this Bridezilla glares at the poor Groom-to-be and the Wedding Planner’s mind is audible from where I’m sitting. She’s thinking, “When do I get out of here?”

Finally, Bridezilla slams her hand on the binder and snatches it away from the wedding planner.

“You know what?” she says, “I’m tired. I just can’t do this by myself anymore. I don’t want this. No napkin rings. No settings. No cake. Just … nothing.”

The groom looks excited by this prospect.

“Really?” he asks.

Maybe I’ve fallen asleep while this exchange has been taking place. Maybe she is a reasonable bride. I don’t know. Or maybe she’s just a crazyperson who wants incredible napkin rings.

I feel for the poor husband. What on Earth possessed this man to propose to her?

I walk away before the groom’s hopes and dreams are dashed. For his sake I wish things could have been different. I hope he can find some chick who is willing to elope with him to Vegas. At least that might make lot more fun for a lot less planning.

3 Comments to “Bridezilla Alert. Warning: Don’t Make Sudden Movements.”

  1. Wow, yeah, I’m with you, F! I don’t think that marriage is going to last too long, really. :p If it even happens. Then again, I don’t know that couple and they might ordinarily be a very happy and loving couple. Who knows? But, yeah…I’m not holding my breath. :p

  2. Wow. They sound like a real pair. It’s possible they are just going through a wedding-related-spat, but, really, stress brings out peoples’ true natures. And it doesn’t sound like they’ve worked out how to handle those yet.

    • Exactly. And if you can’t handle stress together, and if you can’t handle how each of you handles stress individually, it probably isn’t the best time to be planning a wedding. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be engaged, but perhaps hold off on setting a date, or at least hold off on setting one so close. If they can’t even handle this together, they don’t need to be talking to an actual wedding planner just yet. I feel sorry for that wedding planner, by the way. Just because she’s probably used to this sort of thing doesn’t mean she likes it or feels comfortable around other people’s temper tantrums. :p

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