Secret Life:

by d

Subterfuge chokes down two more episodes of The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Season three, episodes 8 (“The Sounds of Silence”) and 9 (“Chicken Little”).

Much like the show, this post is a giant dump of impetuousness. Read at your own peril.

For the first time in forever, Secret Life didn’t make me want to throw things. “The Sounds of Silence” had only one thing that annoyed me strongly enough for me to remember to write about it this week.

So, Adrian is having Ben’s baby. He accompanies her to her first OB/GYN appointment, with a doctor who specializes in teen pregnancies–this town must be putting something in the water.

“Wait, a male doctor?” Yes, Ben, a man will be taking care of all this. Ben’s mind sticks on this point, he makes a huge fuss about it.

The man who enters the room looks like this:

via ABCFamily

That’s the only remnant of the man I can find, which tells you something–no one cares. There’s nothing special about him, he looks like your average specialist, approaching middle age.

Ben thinks he looks like he’s twelve.

Adrian is flirting with him like he’s David Beckham or something. In seconds, she transforms into someone who is only interested in sex–sex with her doctor, who really doesn’t look that young or that attractive. Now, if they’d cast Jesse Metcalf, this might make sense.

I have to assume that Adrian is working hard to make Ben angry(er). If it turns out she’s actually attracted to this man, I’m officially giving up on this show. That would imply that Adrian was a slut, is a slut, and will always be a slut, for the sheer sake of slutdom, and not the good kind of slutdom anymore. Previously, she was all about her own pleasure. Now she’s after… what? Sex for the sake of sex? In fact, she’s become even sluttier, because she’s now willing to bone some doofus doctor. This is one of the biggest steps down a woman could take–she was sleeping with this:

"I'm the man your daddy doesn't want you to know about." Calvin Klein ads.

*fans self* I really, really need to run a Gratuitous Man Pics post on him… Hoo…

Where was I? Oh, yes. So, Adrian’s integrity is the real whore. The writers are willing to toss it out the window at a moment’s notice.

Oh, and she’s still totally happy about this baby thing. She says so.

In the next episode, Chicken Little, there’s more to object to.

Ruben is a naive moron. He’s a district attorney, but he still wants to believe that maybe someone his little girl will marry the father of her baby, which was concieved in a singular fit of spite. He seems to be actively hoping for this.  Preferably before the baby’s born.

“Love isn’t always about passion. Sometimes it’s about practicality.” Says the man who has been married something like three times. “You always wanted to have a family. Now you can have your own family. We can all be one big family,” he says with a big smile, looking rather chuffed at the thought.

Adrian is suitably disgusted.”you actually want me to marry Ben?” He just nods.

And Ruben talked to Ben’s father, who is now trying to get his son to consider this option. Ben is not happy. “That’s absurd! … This is a nightmare!”

Earlier in the show, Ben and Ricky got into a bigass fight. Ruben, meddling again, has asked Ricky to make nice with Adrian. Ben is convinced that this could lead to the two of them sleeping together again. I can understand it if he doesn’t like the idea of his spawn being part of all that. But somehow his father has twisted this into, “You were protecting Adrian.”

“No, not Adrian, the baby.”

Oh, but he totally cares about Adrian AND the baby.

“You’re responsible for this nightmare, and Ruben was thinking you might want to do something about it.” Ben’s family has tons of money, how about Ben puts his paycheck from his job straight into alimony and child care, and pays for all the medical stuff and initial supplies? “Maybe your feelings about Amy will change.” Whut. This is the same guy who wanted to let Ben and Amy get married before she had HER baby. Oh, Jesus Christ on a stick, why am I watching this? “Maybe your feelings abotu Adrian will change. And if they do, I guess, I just wanna let you know that if you decide to… honor the mother of your child and marry her… I can live with that.”

“DEAR GOD MAN, ARE YOU INSANE?!”

THANK YOU!!!!!

And all his father can do is shrug.

Also, why do all these teenagers keep talking about love? “Are you in love with So&so?” “Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her.” Love, love, love YOU’RE IN HIGH SCHOOL! Apparently it’s become trendy to throw around words like ‘love’ in today’s high schools, but this is stupid. It’s not real love. It’s infatuation, lust, a crush, strong like, or a very low-grade sort of love. It could be love, but it’s not the serious kind of love implied by the phrase in love. English is a stupid language, we only have one word to convey all those different levels of affection.

Oh, and Ashley’s being an idiot. This crush on Ricky has zapped all her common sense. It’s so clear that he’s streets ahead of her, maturity-wise. And yet. She’s grow up and get over it.

…and he’s definitely still attracted to Adrian. So, yeah. Adrian doesn’t think so, but I do.

Here’s one of the upsides. George is taking a step forward. He wants to be a stay-at-home dad, and let his wife do what she’s wanted to do for years–work. He’s even set up a surprise for her, something she can grab and run with. Thoughtfulness is so unlike him…

And Amy’s gotten very mature! Lawdalmighty, will wonders never cease?

7 Comments to “Secret Life:”

  1. This is all really just a huge pile of totallyfuckingwrong and I don’t think that, at this point, even if they wanted to ABC Family could fix it. What exactly ARE they thinking? Why are these actors putting up with this nonsense? Although, while I agree with your assessment on love and the typical teenager, I have to say that I am not surprised at all that it’s permeating the show so much. Teenagers really do talk like that these days. :p Although, that might have been helped along by the fact that there are SO MANY shows featuring teenagers in middle and high schools who throw the word around like it’s perfectly normal to not only be in love at that age and that stage in life but also to find it totally recognizable. However, by this point, the fact that it permeates THIS show so much is not detrimental or helpful either way. It’s really just simply annoying to anyone who is NOT a teenager. :p

    However, for some odd reason this is apparently quite a popular show with pre-teens, teens, and parents. I don’t understand why. Well, I can understand why a conservative parent would want to have their kid watch this show. To point out that sluts are the ones that get pregnant, teenagers are idiots, and that if you do get pregnant abortion and adoption are not options and you really ARE expected to marry the father of your baby, and if you’re the father you’re expected to marry your baby mama whether either of you want to or not, rather than just help support the child and mother. Those are the conservative family values, after all.

    • But the conservative parents hate it, too!! They’re pissed that abortion gets mentioned at all!

      This is a very good question. Who IS this designed for?

      • I agree with Traci. I feel bad for the parents who use TV to educate their kiddies.

        If my Liberal Jewish parents did that, I’d hate to think of the results.

      • They probably do! But, I think the fact that they’re mentioning abortion at all is really just a nod toward the libs so that we don’t get too pissy and make a big fuss. It’s okay if we whine to each other or something (as long as we keep tuning in!), but they’ve probably found it to be the lesser of two evils if they just MENTION abortion, but never have any of their characters go through with it. 😛

  2. The “Secret Life” of this American teenager is more interesting than mine. And I don’t know about that OBGYN… he’s got a big old nose. You know what they say about big noses… big nose, big *errhumm.* Penis. O yea gimme some o’ that!

    But jokes aside, I don’t think there’s anything slutty about wanting to bang the doctor. If my boyfriend looked 12, my eyes would be roaming, too. Besides, between you, me, and everyone on this thread… slutty was a term invented by sexist men to make women feel bad about boning.

    • Hmm, maybe Adrian does recognize a good lay when she sees it.

      The show defines her as a slut. If I have to define it, I say ‘someone who sleeps with a lot of people.’ In the beginning, Adrian was sleeping around because she enjoyed it. Then she fell for Ricky, so she reeled it in. This is twisting her original reasons into ‘doing it for the sake of doing it’ or ‘because I can’ or ‘look how slutty I can be!’

      • The show might be doing that (chances are…), but demonizing women as “sluts” just for sleeping around is a sexist double-standard. There are plenty of shows and movies that proudly depict a male character sleeping around, but no one positions him as a slut (i.e. Two and a Half Men, Nip/Tuck, James Bond, Queer as Folk.) Instead, they are depicted as oh-so-cool alpha dawgs.

        I don’t think there is any problem with women sleeping around, but I do think there are issues with the way it’s depicted in the media (i.e. vilifying said woman as a slut. Sex and the City used to be so refreshing…)

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