Dear Lady Who Won’t Shut Up in the Movie Theatre

by f


Dear Lady who won’t shut up in the movie theatre,

So hey. My boyfriend and I decide that we’re going to watch a movie today, because it’s damn time we do something fun. We’re both broke and since a movie ticket in New York is the same thing as buying a DVD anywhere else in the country, we decide to treat ourselves just this once (oh, fuck, who are we kidding?).

We’re in the IMAX theater twenty-five minutes before the movie starts. We both put our feet up on the seats in front of us —  five minutes later, fifty girls choose to sit in those seats, so we have nothing on which to rest our weary soles. That’s all right. But then you sit down just a seat away — the entire row on either side of us is mostly empty, so I’m not sure why you decide you need to sit so close to me — pick up your phone and talk.

Very loudly.

While the previews are going on.

W pretends not to notice. Anyway, his hearing isn’t fantastic, not the way my hearing seems to be. But it’s probably because he’s such a nice guy. I’m not as nice. I could’ve strangled you.

Lest you think that this is just me grumbling, fuck you. But you are a woman of supreme vocal capability, and you won’t waste your natural talents on banalities. Instead, you tell me all about your boyfriend’s penis. I am now aware of some poor man out there who’s packing four and a half inches worth of crooked, uncircumcised heat. I know that he’s into butt plug action. I know that you bought him an ENEMA from a store in Philly, from South Broad Street, to be exact, from a sex shop so legendary I almost went there five times — back when I was the biggest prude on Earth.

Let me tell you a few things.

Yes, your man is sleeping around. Those phone messages from his secretary? He doesn’t have a secretary. When he said that you needed to dress nice, he was belittling you. When he said that you look like a whale … he was belittling you. When he said that he knew some other girl who looked better than you do, he was belittling you. When he said that he wasn’t sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you that was a sign. He wants the fuck out of the relationship.

And frankly, if this conversation was any indication, I can’t say I blame him.

I feel bad for you. Really, I do. But you need to shut the fuck up. Don’t have this conversation while Steve Carrell is on screen. It’s unfair to the audience, who wants to know why the hell he’s using such an odd accent.

Let me put it like this: if you don’t keep quiet by the time the shrink rays come out, you’re toast.

5 Comments to “Dear Lady Who Won’t Shut Up in the Movie Theatre”

  1. I am DYING with laughter from that bit about his penis. And I will put money down that one reason he’s such a controlling jerk is because he’s sensitive about his crooked manhood.

    Did she keep talking like this all through the film!? And in an IMAX?! What a waste of money! I would have said something. Given her a bit of unsolicited advice. Can’t really call it unsolicited when she goes into a public movie theater and just keeps talking about it.

  2. Hilarious 🙂

    .. but that depends…depends on the movie. If I were sitting in a cinema.. watching a movie like eclipse .. i would beg for some one to start talking over the phone .. just to keep me awake.
    Oh, yes I would prefer her to talk about her sex life .. 🙂

  3. @Bach *snort* I would rather hear almost ANYTHING over Eclipse… but I’d never spent my hard-earned (not exactly) money on it.

    @D Oh, you have no idea HOW MANY TIMES I wanted to.

  4. Lol, this is hilarious! I never understood why people felt the need to have such private and intimate conversations in such public places. And butt plugs? Enemas? Is she sure he isn’t gay? Maybe that’s why he’s such a jerk to her. Closeted guys are generally the biggest jerks. :p

  5. I am now aware of some poor man out there who’s packing four and a half inches worth of crooked, uncircumcised heat.


    This is New York; it’s to be expected. That said, it still doesn’t make that right at all. I will get super irritated by those people, and make it known without making a scene in the theatre. If that didn’t help, then I would bust out the Marine Corps Drill Instructor in me 🙂

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