One End of the Spectrum to the Other

by dahliarosemonroe

via Flickr user mdezemery

I decided that my first “real” post would be concerning my relations with members of the male gender. I haven’t exactly had the best exposure to those toting sausage, starting from when my father beat the shit out of me when I was younger, and also telling me that nothing was ever good enough. I would get all A’s in school and not do the typical stupid shit that most my age partook in, but I was still doing something wrong. Certainly that whole experience gave me a great head start in my relationships with men.

Fast forward to late 2008. I was living in Las Vegas and working in a casino (and no, it is not on the Strip, so stop asking) as a cop/floorperson. This casino was stuck in the ’70s and apparently still used its budget from the ’70s, so I pulled double duty. My first day of work I walk on in, and see two guys power washing the outside of the casino. One I noticed in particular. I remember thinking, “Wow, what a mighty fine piece of man meat!” Something just hit me about him, almost like a slap in the face. I remember checking him out whenever I could, asking my co-workers what his name was and what they knew about him, and trying to figure out what nationality he was. One night when one of my co-workers was talking with him, I decided to jump in, and promptly made an ass of myself. That still didn’t deter me. I was damn persistent, which I never have been before. I have always just sat on the sidelines when it came to men. But with JR, I jumped right in. Pretty soon, we started talking pretty frequently, and not long thereafter, we were inseparable at work. He would wait for me to get to work, we’d catch up on our lives over the past 17 hours, talk more when things were slow, hang out on our breaks together, and pretty much always stay near each other the whole time we were working. I remember one day I gave him my phone number. Let me repeat that: I GAVE HIM MY PHONE NUMBER WITHOUT BEING ASKED. I have never done that. And not too long afterwards, I get a text from him. That was it. I’m glad I had unlimited texting and calls because otherwise I would be working to pay my phone bill. He would pick me up from my apartment to go to work (with my crazy roommate, who thought we were an item, getting drunk nearby), and bring me back after I got out and we spent a little time together. Mind you, he left work at 8 AM, and he would come back to work just to pick me up at 11 AM. We got in trouble so much for spending so much time together at work, and we seemed to be quite the hot ticket for gossip at work. I remember even having management look at all of the cameras outside to see if we were leaving together; we played it slick and met a few stores down the road. He made me love going to work, but only just because I got to be near him.

After about a month of this, we actually went out on a date. And about a week after this, we moved in together. Yes, I did write move in together. But about a month after this, things started to get weird. Then downright awful.

He accused me of cheating on him with anything with a penis, and he thought I masturbated all day, every day. The funny thing is, I don’t. It’s so rare when I do (we’re talking once or twice a year), that I think that can fall into the category of “I don’t do that”. Even if I did have a little fun with myself, what’s the big deal? It’s not like I would have been shunning him or basically saying to him that doing myself is better than doing him. But he saw it that way. He thought I lied about everything. Granted, I did tell him I was 2 years older than I really was, and that is my fault I take full responsibility for. He thought I was a drug addict who popped pills without abandon, based solely on the fact of my telling him I had a problem in high school and part of college. He created amazing amounts of drama and then blamed it all on me. He was a master manipulator. He would be so quick to break up over these “issues”, and then when I got upset he “grudgingly” decided to stay together. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. He actually left me on Super Bowl Sunday 2009, thinking I ran off to go fuck one of my friends when he was at work. I only had eyes for him – how could I ever do that? But what he conjured up in his head was exactly what happened to him, and he reacted based on that.

I went to the hospital because I overdosed on Benadryl because I was so upset that JR left. That was when I found out I was pregnant. I told JR, but that just got him even more pissed off. I ended up staying with some random guy who decided to help me out with a place to stay, and after about three weeks of that, JR romanced me back and we got back together again, and moved somewhere else. Yet again, after a month and a half of awesomeness, things went to shit when he got insanely drunk and high on weed and became an asshole of epic proportions. I was going to move back to NYC, but he apologized and cried to me, buying me flowers, stuffed animals, the whole bit. I bought it. But after the second time of the booze & blunts combo, I really did leave. He was all upset and wanted nothing to do with me. I remember calling him at one point in Colorado on the bus trip back to New York, and I heard him cry. Not just tear up, but really cry. But you know what? Part of me enjoyed hearing him cry. I felt like it was a small payback for what he did to me.

I get back to New York, and I still have him talking to me the whole time pretty much. Still fucking with my head too. I gave birth in August and I had to do an adoption for my baby, because I had no job or anything at the time. It would not have been fair to her or to me to keep her. I wanted her to have every opportunity possible, so I chose an awesome family to adopt her. Well, I got a rash of shit from JR about it, even though I was pregnant before we started dating! He said I didn’t love my daughter and I was evil. I was hysterical, and cried so much my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I promised myself to get away from him.

It didn’t work out that way. He ended up schmoozing his way back into my heart and coaxed me back to Vegas in early December, against everyone’s wishes. Yet again, shit hit the fan even before I got there. I made a friend on the bus who helped me with my 8 bags, and JR thought I was going to run off with him and go screw him. Apparently having friends with penises was a big no-no. He came to pick me up, and consequently choked my friend and threw him down with no provocation. I got him to stop, and we went home. You can just tell how well that two months in Vegas with him worked out.

It all came to a point in the end on January. He tried to choke me, and then took all of his stuff and ran off on me after I said hi to a friend back in New York on Facebook on my phone. Then when he came back to get more stuff the next morning, he took something of mine and ran out. I tried to grab it, but instead he grabbed me and ripped me out of the apartment with no shoes on, and locked me out. I still ran after him to get what he took, and he threw me down the stairs of the building, which ripped apart my feet since I had no shoes on. Also, my elbow and head got injured. I had to go to the front office after JR ran off, gushing blood on the floor from my feet, and had the women there call an ambulance as well as the police. I was poked, prodded, photographed, and questioned from then on until I left the hospital. Then I found out JR was arrested at his work (!) and spent a few days in jail. Not too long afterward, I had a friend I recently met drive me to the bus station to go back to NYC without even a hint to my ex. He did not find out I was gone until I was already in Denver. Then I got text messages like, “I always loved you and I miss you I never lied about my feelings”. Mmm hrmm, sure, right.

I get back to New York, find a place, and get a good job after about a month of being here. A week later, my current boyfriend SB and I have our first date, and we end up becoming inseparable. We talked on the phone a lot for a few days previous to this, and we had so much in common it was scary. We were even saying the same things at the same time. Of course this meant we had to go out! He met me at my work when I was leaving, and I felt completely at ease with him. I remember trying on his glasses because I had no contacts at the time, and I could see 98% perfectly. He was such a gentleman: holding open doors for me, holding my hand, looking into my eyes when we talked, and making me laugh. He is a good looking guy, but his personality is what really got me more than anything. We had our first kiss outside the entrance to my apartment. We ended up hanging out after I got out of work every day afterwards, and soon he was bringing his things over to keep there because he was staying over every night. Now I just tell people we live together. We still get along really well, and I love the fact that I can be my totally weird self with him, and he (seems to) enjoy it. For example – just yesterday I was attacking him, tickling his nipples and his ears with my tongue. He would just laugh and squirm, but he never got mad. I love making him laugh like that; it’s so fucking cute I can’t stand it sometimes. I can just be 100% my authentic self. I can do my kermit voice, flash him, say totally un-PC things, play with him…all of it…and he at the very least deals with it, if not enjoys it. I didn’t have that with JR. Another thing I didn’t have with JR is the non-existence of insane jealousy. I love that. And when I get pissed off or irritated (which can be often, admittedly), he listens and calms me down. He is very physically affectionate, which makes me, as well as any woman, happy.

But I know I still have what I call “side effects” from being with JR. I knew JR cheated on me, because that was his personality. I also felt like I was walking on eggshells with him and consequently analyzed everything that was said or done to see if I could catch him in a lie or if there was something he might get pissed off over. I’m finding I am still doing that yet, and for no reason, really. I will get insanely jealous over him talking to some female friends of his on Facebook, and I wonder what he does during the day when I’m working (he works overnights). I also still find myself getting upset like I did something wrong (although I have no idea what it could be) if he is upset over something, or if he isn’t saying much to me, when it could be because he has nearly no money or he’s just tired. I’m trying to work on my issues from being with my ex, but sometimes it’s still hard and it can get the best of me. SB has been really understanding and supportive, which has made me love him all the more. Sometimes we get into arguments, but we usually talk things out and things are okay. Having that communication is so important to me, and being able to speak my mind without fear of a whole bunch of drama attached or having him run off is so refreshing.

About a month ago when SB and I went to Florida for a few days to go to his cousin’s high school graduation, I had JR text me, asking how I was. I knew immediately what he was after. He wanted to start things up again, and apparently expected me to run back to him like a lonely puppy. Sorry, wasn’t going to happen. I did consider texting him back and telling him off, and telling him about SB and how happy I have been with him, but I decided against it when people told me it would still give him control and a “rise” out of hearing from me. Since I met SB, it’s been easy to get away from JR and that bullshit. Yes, I still have my issues from that relationship, but I was going to have that no matter whether I got into my first relationship since JR one month or one decade after leaving him. And honestly, I never thought I would love anyone after JR. Being with him was intense. We had passion in our relationship, both good and bad. But SB and I have passion in our relationship too – it’s just a deeper, more meaningful passion. I can honestly say that I love him. And I never thought I would ever say that again.

The point of all of this? Don’t think you are destined for the same old shit all of the time. I bet some of you reading right now are asking, “Why do I always end up with the same shitty guys?” Take a look at the situation: what’s the common denominator? YOU. It’s time you started making different choices to end up with a different result. That goes with anything in life. Think you keep ending up at the same shitty destination? Try taking a different route next time. You never know what you may end up with and what (or who) you may end up loving. You may even learn a thing or two about yourself that you never knew before. I never said relationships were easy; no relationship is ever completely smooth sailing. But if you find yourself dreading being around your significant other, I think it’s time to make a change. Release yourself from the burden and go on a safari. If a relationship is broken, either fix it or GTFO. I know lots of women look back on relationships with what I call a “false fondness”: instead of seeing all of the negatives that there were, you just see all of the great things that you remember, nearly all of which were when you were initially dating. That’s the past! We are living in the NOW, darling. Use those memories as a motivation to find that fluttery feeling you got in a new and better guy or situation in your life. If you are in a relationship where you are miserable and have been for a while, then you are the one responsible for that. You have the power to make the changes to be happier. What’s your excuse?

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