Secret Life: Adrian, you are cleared for take-off. Please breathe deeply and count to one hundred.

by d

Adrian with Amy's son, John

Another week, another round of craptastic ABC Family programming! My TiVo’s already filling up.

So, Adrian is having the abortion tomorrow. Her father is still opposed, but he seems to have come to his senses by episode’s end. He’s no longer threatening to break the family up. Ben is still waffling about what his role in this should be. HIS father insists that he should go to the clinic. Adrian doesn’t want this (or says she doesn’t), but I know that if I were in her shoes I wouldn’t be keen on the idea, either. They weren’t dating, it was an idiotic one-off thing.

(Perhaps the show’s arguing that idiotic one-off things are how you make mistakes. Amy & Ricky? One time at bandcamp = baby. Mr. & Mrs. Juergens one-off divorce sex = baby. Adrian & Ben = baby. The only ones to escape this pattern are Grace and Jock Boy. But her dad died, so she got her comeuppance. Still waiting on his.)

Meanwhile, Amy is gallivanting around New York. She’s supposed to go to orientation, but somehow, despite having maps and directions and other students in the dorm (Which is like an APARTMENT! She doesn’t know to call it a studio.), she misses orientation and goes all over fucking Manhattan. We have a photo montage as proof. Literally all over Manhattan. The next day, Bristol knocks on her door and introduces herself as her ‘buddy.’ Amy is not pleased to learn that this music program is specially for teen mothers.

“So I’m not the best french horn player,” she says sulkily.

“Sure you are. And I’m Yo-Yo Ma,” says Bristol. I… I don’t know if she’s being mean there or what…

Also, Ashley, Amy’s little sister, and Ricky, Amy’s baby-daddy, kiss. GASP! See, they’ve actually been becoming friends during all this. And she clearly wants this, and he’s trying to be responsible, or something. So they’re not going any further, you understand? Amy insisted her move into her house for a month while she’s in NYC, but nothing will happen. Course not.

The episode wraps up in the early morning of the next day, as Adrian and her mom leave for the clinic. As I said, Ruben’s pulled his head out of his ass and remembered the true meaning of family. Adrian and her mom are both touched by this, but not by his last ‘Feel free to change your mind!’ And off they go.

That was too easy. What are you planning, ABCF? Are they going to get into a car accident or something? DAMN YOU!

Things I Learned From This Episode

Bristol Palin is a terrible actress.

Much has already been made of this, and some of it’s really nasty. But the fact remains, Bristol Palin cannot act for beans. She sounds stilted, her body language is stiff, and her eyes are wide and staring, all of which gives her the air of a pod person. The show should never have given her what appears to be an ongoing role with actual acting. They could very easily have made her a guest at Amy’s music camp.

Homeless alcoholics make the weakest pot brownies.

Tom, Grace’s brother with Downs Syndrome, has decided that he wants to become more independent. (He thinks he’s going to marry Adrian. This is a really awful subplot.) So, he’s moving into the guest house (Did I mention that these are the rich suburbs?). Jock Boy (It took me fifteen minutes to remember that his name is Jack. So I’m just going to call him Jock Boy, it has more meaning.) also needs a place to stay, as he’s a jock and can’t possibly move somewhere else for his senior year. On moving in, Jock Boy discovers that their only food are some brownies left in the freezer. He and Tom both eat them.

They spend the rest of the time lying in chairs, staring at the TV, which is not on. They talk in a vaguely roundabout way, that might just be forgetfulness or sleepiness, and don’t actually get the munchies, though Tom steals a plate of cookies from under Grace’s nose.

“Tom,” says Jock Boy, “I think we’re high!”

“No,” says the viewer, “You’re not.”

“I think these are marijuana brownies!!”

…at least he didn’t pronounce it, “maridgyuana,” like Mr. Mackey.

It’s freaking Grace, of all people, who finally calls them pot brownies, and says they must’ve been left there by that homeless alcoholic their dad allowed to stay in the guest house even though he wouldn’t go for help anywhere else HOW OVERLY CONVENIENT IS THAT.

Somehow, Jock Boy and Tom both have hangovers. I don’t think anyone on the staff of Secret Life has ever had a pot brownie. Except maybe the actress who plays Grace.

Grace is not only a sheltered little white girl, she’s so sheltered she doesn’t know how little she knows.

Grace: Blah blah, Mr. …Ruben?

Ruben: Esquivez.

Grace: Esquivez to you, too!

Viewer: *facepalm*

She’s been friends with Adrian for over a year now, and still doesn’t know his name!? Points for racial sensitivity.

You cannot trick my ovaries while my brain is still working.

In a stunning moment of clarity, Grace reminds Adrian that they promised to help Amy out with the baby and never have. So, lets volunteer to help at the church nursery were Amy works, since she’s not in town to do it! Adrian sees right through this. “I know what a baby looks like.”

A lot of pro-life ‘clinics’ like to use this tactic. They throw images at pregnant women, hoping to sway them. They show them horrific images of aborted fetuses, and adorable scenes of little children who are just TOO PRECIOUS to allow to die!

But Adrian has made her choice and she’s sticking to it. Good girl, Adrian.

Secret Life thinks all boys are either sex maniacs, or ridiculous romantics.

To recap, Ricky’s a manslut in rehabilitation, Ben thinks he’s going to marry the first girl he crushes on in high school, Jock Boy is totally in it for the sex. And then there’s Henry.

Henry is Ben’s friend. They form a trio with Alice, who is Henry’s girlfriend. They began having sex sometime after learning that Ben was in love with a teen mama-to-be, and they are enjoying it. (The rules of Secret Life says you’re ok as long as you’re consistent.)

Today the issue came up, what would Alice do if she found herself to be pregnant? Henry asks her if she would tell him. “Honestly, no,” she replies, because she is very frank in all things. See, if she told him, he would tell Ben who would tell X who would tell Y and it would end up everywhere. So, no. But, Henry insists, he hopes she’d keep it and then they could get maaaarried and life would be beautiful and romantic!

Alice is not convinced.

I always liked Alice.

Next Week: Will Adrian be allowed to have the procedure unmolested by deus ex machina or meddling friends? Will she immediately spiral into depression and self-hatred? Will Bristol Palin have to talk again? Tune in next time for more Secret Life of the Badly Written Soap Opera!

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