I realized that I have forgotten what it means to be alone. And strangely enough, I have forgotten how to make a conversation with someone, without wanting to reach in and squeeze their intestines just to make sure they’re real. This makes me feel creepy, which has led me to avoid people for the time being.
It has made parties and meeting new people extremely challenging. And it makes me feel extremely alone.
One time I was at a party and this woman was telling me about her non-profit something or other and she was very sweet and serious and said that she wanted to try something new but that you know, she needed a job and it was nice. I told her, “do you have any idea how replaceable you are?” She didn’t seem to understand. “What do you mean, replaceable?”
I am like the gourmet eater who has turned to counting calories. I cannot seem to enjoy a single meal of conversation without analyzing its content, motivation, goals and after-effects. It is driving me crazy! Do we all go through some phase like this, or am I just being ridiculously cynical and mental?