“Kiss me or fuck me, I can’t take it anymore.”
I did neither.
***
I watch my reflection in the windows of the bank as the bus drives away; I see a girl in a blue shirt, dark hair tied up. We hit the second street corner and an announcement for tickets to this summer’s big event comes on the speaker, as usual.
“You go all the way around the state before you get to the point,” I remember my friend telling me. She was laughing but, still, it hurt a little.
[Long pause in journaling]
“How do you know I’m ready?”
“Your body’s ready.”
“I’m almost twenty-three, my body better be ready.”
[Pause in journaling]
“You want me inside you. You want my cock.”
“Don’t tease me like that…”
“Don’t tease you?… You’re so ready, I can’t wait till you can admit you’re ready.”
“How do you know I’m ready?”
“Your body’s ready.”
“I’m almost twenty-three, my body better be ready.”
“Didn’t you say you wanted to lose it before you turn twenty-three?”
“I did, but… I want to wait.”
“You want me to fuck you. You want to get fucked.”
This is the part where I roll off of him, and we’re done for the night.
***
Give me the benefit of the doubt–give me the benefit–do me the favor of not telling me what I’m thinking, what I want. If I wanted to be told what I want… If I wanted to be told what I want I would have let you fuck me, properly, all the way. I would’ve told you. I’m more dominant than ninety percent of the guys out there, aren’t I? Aren’t I?
The truth is I want you, and I want to wait. I need to wait. I want it to mean something. You said that I do mean a lot to you, but… how can fucking be okay when kissing isn’t? I want to kiss you, I hope you know that; I know you want to kiss me cause you try, every now and again. I mean I want you, but not just your body. If wanting your body, your cock, was enough for me–enough to make sex okay–I would’ve done it already. I would’ve done it before. I would’ve done it, sooner, with someone else.
These words, I’m trying to hurt you but really what I want is for you to understand… that I want you. I want more of you, all of you even, maybe. I’m so ready to fall, it’s scary.
But. I know. I know you can’t. N. N is still in there, under your skin, in that place where I want to be. So I’m willing to wait. I’ll wait. There’s nothing else I’d rather do. I’ll wait.
