Finally, a female equivalent to getting kicked in the balls.

by d
PUSSY WITH GIANT GREEN BALLS

You have NO idea how many dirty photos I had to wade through just to find a pussy with some balls.

You know that thing guys do when they see or hear about another guy getting kicked in the balls? They cringe and pull their legs together, eyes downcast as they share a moment of silence for their fellow man’s abused testicles.

Being a woman, I sympathize, but had never quite understood how deep-seated that reaction is. Until this past week. I have found something that inspired me to cringe in just that way.

I have been trying to find a video for you, but I can’t, so I’m just going to have to describe it. Dr. Mehmet Oz was on Joy Behar‘s HLN show, and she brought up the topic his show would be covering that coming week: How the vagina ages.

Your vagina ages along with the rest of you. Apparently, it changes colors. In your youth, it’s a healthy pink. The older you get, the pales it becomes, signifying thinning walls.

‘Everyone should check the color of their vaginal walls,’ said Dr. Oz.

Joy Behar gave him the same look I was. How, pray, are we supposed to manage that? There is a great portion in The Vagina Monologues that describes this arduous process of twisting and arching, and needing a certain kind of mirror–and by the time you get it right you are too exhausted to learn anything or get back up. So, rly. How are we supposed to not only see the outer lips, but the inner walls of our vaginas?

Then they ran a clip. Dr. Oz is big on demonstrations. He set up three solid, brown panels, about 3ft by 6ft, and labelled them “20s” “40s” “50s-60s”. These represented the health of your vagina at those ages.

Then he invited a woman from the audience to take a sledgehammer to them.

The first, the youngest, took a few smacks before she drove the mallet through the wood. It left a very precise, neat round hole.

The clip jumped to the 50s-60s panel. “It’s very delicate,” Oz warned.

“Ok, then, I’ll just tap it,” she said. She tapped it.

It tore in fucking half. Paper. Thin paper.

I cringed. The audience cringed. When I related this to F, she cringed. We all did that muscle-tense, we sucked our breath it, and I will guarantee a lot of Kegels got a work out.

I think we were all imagining a) what it would feel like to have a sledgehammer rammed through our walls, and, b) what would happen if a proportionately sized penis had rammed into that wall.

Fellas, I get it now. And I am always grateful that all my important bits are tucked away on the inside, where they can’t be pulverized by a stray baseball. (A baseball to the boob HURTS, but nothing like a baseball in the crotch.)

Sucks to be you guys! My sympathies.

16 Comments to “Finally, a female equivalent to getting kicked in the balls.”

  1. No no!!
    AAHHHH

    *clutches nether regions and runs around like a decapitated chicken*

  2. Hm. I don’t seem to ever remember a demonstration like that one you described! But, I do know that there are medicines, creams, and other things that are meant to help a woman out for things like this if she wants to remain sexually active. And many women do remain sexually active well past their 60s. Although, as far as I know, THAT isn’t discussed as much. I have no idea why, except perhaps it makes older people feel uncomfortable and younger people think, “ew…” Or something. Other than that, I just don’t know.

    Also, another thing that occurs after menopause (which doesn’t help when coupled especially with thinning vaginal walls), which is the gradual loss of lubrication. They also have medications and creams that are supposed to restore that, and there’s always the trusty KY lube.

    But, yeah…I wouldn’t want a sledgehammer going anywhere near my vaginal walls, either.

  3. Well, there is a caveat to this story. Vaginal walls thin from lack of use. In fact if you go without sex for 7 years, it is possible to regrow your hymen. The key to vaginal walls staying intact is to remain sexually active. If you don’t have a real llive penis to penetrate you, then used a penis shaped dildo. It is similar to someone running around barefooted. Over time you build tough callouses on the soles of your feet. Vaginas are similar. Anuses are also the same way. It is not uncommon to bleed from your anus the first time that you experience anal intercourse. Over time with repeated use, the anus toughens up and there are a lot of women who really love anal intercourse and can actually achieve a G spot orgasm anally. They no longer have anuses that bleed because the wall toughens up with usage. Just thought that you should know. In addition to being a marriage coach, I am also a sexual coach.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • See, now I have something I can tell my mother in the awkward moment she might discover my penis-shaped vibrators one day. Not that it’s likely, since I’m grown and she doesn’t poke around in my room, but yeah. :p

    • John,

      You have a valid point to make, that women should be more open to sexual exploration. It is good that someone is working to help women achieve happier, healthier, more intimate lives. I’m always pleased when you leave a comment to that effect.

      However, the way you express yourself often rubs me the wrong way. Your phrasing implies some of what Roxy is accusing you of–sexism, callousness, ignorance, etc. You often respond to our posts with tangential topics that seem to be there only as a means for you to push your overarching message. Coupled with your wording, it isn’t hard for a first-time reader to jump to conclusions. This does not serve your cause. I am pointing this out because I agree with you in this area, and your good arguments should be taken seriously.

      Your comments often assume that women, all women, are not having sex with their men because they do not care or do not want to. It’s very good that you acknowledge the many ways in which a woman’s confidence and attitude toward sex can be damaged. Yet you neglect the myriad other reasons women do not have sex: menstruation, cramps, bloating, hormones/mood swings, lack of stimulation, lack of desire, anger at partner, self-consciousness, simply being more interested in something else. Not all of these are malicious–not all women are purposely starving their partners of sex. To act as if we are is insulting, and far from the mark. Granted, in decades past, when sex was still a ‘lie back and think of England’ activity, more women avoided it on purpose. Neither men nor women were educated in the need for or ways to stimulate women and help them to enjoy sex. Sex was about a man’s pleasure, and about procreation. For a woman to admit that she enjoyed sex amounted to declaring herself mentally unstable.

      Can you imagine marrying young (because everyone else does!), being terribly in love with someone, sharing nothing but kisses and a few gropings before the wedding night… and then being left alone with your partner, suddenly shy and frightened. Something enters you, causes you pain. But it’s supposed to hurt. It’ll get better. But your partner doesn’t know how to make it better, no one told him he has to work at it. He doesn’t know that going for what he wants isn’t enough, especially not after the first flush of love. Years pass and it’s still uncomfortable. You think orgasm is a myth. Any other woman who says she’s had one must be lying. But he still wants to have sex, still wants to take his own pleasure while you lie there and wish he would get it over with, it’s not like you get anything out of it. And you’re busy, you have things to do tomorrow. He reminds you of your children, always pawing at you, begging for the same story to be read to him a thousand times over, though it drives you mad. Is it so far a leap from passive resentment to outright denial? You cut him off. Now he is angry. You are both angry. Whatever good there was in your relationship dies away, and your marital bed lies old.

      This scenario has become cliche because it is ancient, and still happens too frequently. In this story, both partners are at fault. He should have asked questions and she should have told him what she wanted. She should have sought information and he should have been willing to work with her. That exploration and compromise fosters intimacy, the intimacy you and I both know to be vital to a working relationship.

      Please, keep these women in mind. Also keep in mind the women whose libidos do not match with their partners’. (I find myself agreeing more and more with Dan Savage, who advises against pursuing a long-term relationship with such glaring incompatibility, unless you’re willing to make some extreme compromises.) Remember that a great deal has changed over the course of the 20th century alone. We are not our grandmothers. We are better informed, and are more wiling to ask for what we want (though still not nearly often enough).

      Better that you counsel women to become informed, to learn their own bodies and their needs, learn what works for them, and then seek a middle ground with their partners. Your past comments imply that you think women should be willing to spread any time their men want, for his sake, for the sake of intimacy. This can be an effective strategy in relationship counseling, but it is not a long-term solution. It is never a solution for one partner to subjugate their own will to that of the other. That is not a partnership.

      I hope that you take this in the spirit of good will that it is meant.

      As for the content of your comment, I cannot find any scientific evidence of hymens regrowing. I found one or two anecdotal accounts, but I think ‘regrowth’ is the wrong word. The hymen can be remarkably pliant. It is stretchy, and may never tear of recede. With regular insertion, the hymen stretches to accomodate them. I think it’s more likely that the hymen returns to its previous shape. Pain would be caused by abrupt pushing on the hymen without stretching it, tearing it, or simply the fact that the PC muscles have tightened. If you have evidence to the contrary, I would like to see it.

  4. I suspect the commentator above me is not a sexual coach at all, but a sexism coach.

    That said, there is a solution to this problem. It’s called a strap-on.

  5. What do you perceive as sexist about my information. And why do peoploe who find something different have to attack it? Recent polls say that 42% of women have engaged in anal intercourse.

    John Wilder

    • 1. Why is someone who does not even have a vagina giving “health tips” that aren’t rooted in any scientific fact? Hymen do NOT grow back, having sex does not tighten your vagina (neither does using dildos), and a vagina is nothing like an anus. Not everyone in a suit is a doctor…

      2. The assumption that a woman’s biggest concern is to keep her hymen intact, or somehow get it back. That wasn’t what D’s article was about at all. Women who want their hymen back are not doing it for vaginal health, but to live up to an outdated and sexist standard of what a woman should be. I have yet to meet a man who is as concerned about the tightness of any orifice in his body as you presume a woman is concerned about her hymen…

      3. Most women want their vaginas to stay healthy, not to stay in a state of perma-virginity. That would be very painful…

      4. The absence of the obvious: That men can have anal sex, too. Women aren’t the only gender that can take pleasure in “receiving,” although this suggestion was left out of your graphic advice for what a woman should put where. I suppose some guys can’t follow the very advice they eagerly give to women.

      You should not be a sex-coach for anybody.

  6. Hey Roxie

    I don’t know where you got the idea that I was implying that a woman wants her hymen back. It is possible to grow the hymen back after years of non sexual actiivity and lack of tampon use. I know this for a fact because a previous girlfriend grew her hymen back and having worked in a funeral home while I was in colllege, we had little old ladies that had grown the hymen back. I mentioned it only as a curiosity.

    Every woman I have had sex with has done anal sex with me and enjoyed it enough to do it again. It is imperative to do it right and most guys don’t know how to do it right. The women for the most part had some minor anal bleeding after anal intercourse and did not after several experiences.

    And yes I have had anal sex with dildos with the woman administering it. Usually it was with a woman who had never had anal sex saying similar things to what you said. After taking it, they were convinced enough to give it a try. My main point is that anal sex can be pleasurable if done right and is a nice aloternative, especially when a woman is on her period and does not want to have vaginal sex. I have helped a lot of women to enjoy anal intercourse in my practice by explaining the right way to do it.

    I have had excellent success with women in my practice and have had numerous compliments by women on my blog who don’t agree with your assessment.

    Blessings on you and yours

    • 1. Men who kiss and tell have something to prove.

      2. You can’t even get my name right, much less female anatomy. Your claims are not backed up by any valid medical source.

      3. Most women on their period are not in the mood because they are cramped, bloated, and bloody. This might be hard to imagine for a guy, who will never have a period.

      4. Spell check appears to be your long-neglected friend.

      5. The fact that you find the time to bugger this blog with these long posts suggests you aren’t working much these days.

  7. Mr. Wilder,

    If you do have experiences with counseling on anal sex, please do email us with the information. We are interested. What are your experiences and, as a coach, what do you recommend that couples try? You have mentioned some things in your responses here, but I am curious as to your overall attitudes. You are a religious man, and biblical sexual attitudes are something that interest us here at Subterfusex very much.

    You can leave this either as a comment, or you can email us at subterfusex@gmail.com.

    Sincerely,
    F

  8. D
    I appreciate the tone of your critique and you make some good points. I realize that I can appear one sided. No one will admit more than me that most men are clueless about pleasuring women. There is no school for sex to teach them how. Far too many women suffer with these clueless and often self centered men.. If you read my blog I have many articles addressing these issues and giving men corrective insrruction on how to have great sex and give a woman great sex that is memorable and satisfying It is good that you point out that many women actually don’t turn their men down for sex.

    My problem is with tfeminists who teach women that men’s needs are irrelevant and women should only engage in sex when they feel like it. This reduces the man”s role to stude service on demand.. I would never advocate women being forced to have sex against their will but too many feminists teach that women can and should force men to do without sex on a routine basis AGAINST HIS WILL. Sexixm is not a one sex trait nor is chauvinism, it is just callled misandry when women do it,

    I don’t currently have any solid medical evidence that the hymen grows back with lack of usage, just anecdotal evidence. I will endeavor to find some solid medical evidence. I don’t even remember why I brought it up in the first place but I have solid anecdoatal evidence. Thye woman that I was referring to had been married for 18 years and divorced for 20 years with no sex with men nor any use of tampons. She had to have her hymen surcigically exicised for an operation. Her gyno could not get even a small speculum in for a routine exam. It is also evidenced by little old ladies who had been married for years and then widowed for years with no sex who had also regrown hymens as discovered in the embalming process that I was a part of for three years while in college.

    You exemplify the assertive comments I was referring to. You stated your problems with me and my phrasing and language and gave your side. It is far more appreciated than the put downs adminstered by Roxie.

    Women have become more aggressive and adopted negative traits of male attack conversation to their detriment and to the detriment of their relationships. You might find it interesting that we have the highest divorce rate on the planet because of this “cowboy mentality” In Japan, their divorce rate is half of ours. This is in part to their custom of face or saving face. It is never permissable to attack someone verbally or cause them shame or embarrassment. Disagreements are always respectful and civilized and there is no name calling. I often teach couples conflict resolution skills where I tell them to adopt the physicians vow “to first do no harm.” Remember, you have no more right to verbally assault someone than they do to physically assault you.

    In addition to the feminsits, women are not at fault because of churches teaching girls that sex is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it. They never teach the positive commands to have a great sex life commanded in the bible. As a result, in this society literally saturated in sex, too often women are conlficted about their sexuality and still cling to purtitanical notions about sex. This in part keeps them from communicating their needs to the man in their life or asking fror more. A lot of women have admittedly had a very raw deal in this area.

    For example many women swear and use vulgar profanity thinking that they need to do this to compete with men and yet have real problems talking dirty in bed with their husbands. Many women have more severe body image issues over sexy lingerie than they do with bathing suits.

    I am trying to resolve these issues for couples but more importantly for the children who are devastated by divorce of thyeir parents. I would suggest going to Judith Wallersteins ground breaking long term study of the negative side effects on kids of divorce. If you did that you would be more motivated to work out the problems with your spouse..

    Sex is one of the big three that couples fight about and I am one of but a few clinicians dealing with sexuality directlly with couples. Most marriage counselors are also highly ambivalent about dealing with sexual issues with couples.

    In case you are wondering, I am the real deal. I am a resident expert on lovedetour.com a highly rated Alexa site on sex and love issues as well as yahooanswers.com. You can see my advice by simply googling my email address marriagecoach1@yahoo.com. No one has had problems with my advice on these columns.

    I have really helped couples and even individual women with their sexual issues.. For example I helped a 48 year old woman achieve orgasm for the first time in her life. She had an inverted clitty and could not achieve orgasm through intercourse or masturbation or oral sex by her men partners. She called me in tears of joy after knocking of 4 orgasms in a row following my advice. I could go on but the bottom line I am all for women enjoying the best sex that is possible for them. Part of that is in overcoming inhibitions that are detrimental ot her sexuality.

    Thanks again for the assertive critque, I appreciate it. You never win friends or influence people when you practice hate speech and put downs you only do that by honest assertive communication without the putdowns.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  9. Oh by the way Roxie, I was not kissing and telling to prove my manhood. It is solidly in the mainstream of counseling technique to instead of being neutral to give your own experiences to prove a point and to be considered a normal person with real life problems that the client is dealing with. People tend to identify with you better and establish trust when you give confidential information about yourself.

    If you could step out of the attack mode for a minute you might realize that. I am not at all intimidated by your hate speech and thus your attempt to verbally bully me was ineffective. I would suggest that you read my article on Resolving Conflict with Your Spouse or Relatives to see if you really disagree with me because frankly your communication style will be detrimental to you and your relationships.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • John Wilder is so eager to make himself important that he brags about how the women he has sex with come back for more, offers false “medical advice” about hymen re-growth, and exhaustively promotes the belief that a woman cannot turn down sex without being cruel. He does not take into account the needs of the female patients he serves, although he is eager to brag about his “success” with them.

      Most insultingly, Wilder was so preoccupied with female “tightness” that he missed the point of the above article— which concerns vaginal health, not maintaining virgin-like tightness for the men in our lives. This buffoonery is not caused by dyslexia, and neither is your repeated misspelling of my name. Dyslexics are aware of spell-check.

  10. One last final point, spell chekc is not an option that I am aware of on these blogs. I type really fast and have some minor dyslexia issues and this accounts for my obvious mispellings. I reread the post but invariably miss some before I hit the send button. Speling errors bug me as well.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  11. “Fellas, I get it now. And I am always grateful that all my important bits are tucked away on the inside, where they can’t be pulverized by a stray baseball. (A baseball to the boob HURTS, but nothing like a baseball in the crotch.)

    Sucks to be you guys! My sympathies.”

    D,

    The internal location of your generative organs (ovaries) does offer them a great deal of protection, but it does not mean your external genitals are invulnerable. A hard kick in the vulva(*) can cause extreme pain. I’ve seen women writhe in agony after taking a heavy blow to the vulva.

    I’ll add that the aforementioned women writhed in a manner reminiscent to that of a man who was kicked in the groin. If you want to see the evidence for yourself then go to the following Youtube video.

    On that basis, I’d say you shouldn’t get too cocky about not having testicles. The pain caused by a hard blow to the vulva may not be as painful as a blow to the testes — we cannot say for sure whether it is or isn’t, but it probably isn’t — but it appears to be worse than getting hit in any other area of the body. It’s not all that uncommon either. As the video stated above shows, there are activities, such as snow boarding and anything that can cause a woman to straddle her vulva against a hard object, that can cause all sorts of damage.

    Note:

    ( *) I was going to say ‘cunt’ as you said ‘balls’, but didn’t know whether you’d take offence to it, so I just said vulva.

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